The public tantrum that ended my Essex career
MY ENGLAND career ended at Melbourne Cricket Ground. My Essex career effectively ended in the Virgin Active Gym in Chelmsford. I had another public meltdown in front of someone I really couldn’t afford to offend. I’d known the captain, James Foster, for years and he’d been really keen for me to sign for Essex the previous season. I was in his debt, but one stupid incident in the gym ruined my reputation with him and the rest of the squad. We were on the exercise bikes and it got competitive. It was the sort of thing that happens every day in every gym: two guys trying to outdo each other. A bit of macho posturing, a bit of showing off, but nothing serious. I was off the meds and, although I was physically fitter than I had been in Australia, my inner Don Logan started talking again. ‘Fossy’s trying to show you up.’ ‘No he isn’t.’ ‘Yes he is. Look, he thinks he’s Bradley Wiggins. He’s trying to make you look a right c***.’ ‘No he isn’t!’ ‘All the academy boys are here! He’s trying to look good in front of them and mug you off!’ We nearly broke the bikes. The academy boys were egging us on because they just thought we were racing, and then I snapped. ‘You are all against me! F*** the lot of you!’ I stormed out in a rage and as soon as I was outside I knew I’d messed up. What do I do? Go back and apologise? Too humiliating. Our coach Paul Grayson eventually found me and was quite understanding, presumably hoping it would blow over. It might have done if I hadn’t shot myself in the foot with my timekeeping again. On the morning of our game against Glamorgan, I lost track of time. I was still in my flat at 10.30 when I realised the match was due to
start at 11. ‘Oh f***!’ I felt physically sick. I apologised, said I was sorry, but it was futile. They were playing without me. I was a 32-year-old senior professional who was supposed to be setting an example to the younger players. I was still in the doghouse for the gym meltdown and I knew I didn’t have a leg to stand on, but the way they handled it just made me angrier: Essex put out a statement saying I’d been dropped for timekeeping. Maybe they were trying to shame me into changing my behaviour, but it didn’t work. I continued to do things I cannot defend. I ignored team warm-ups and warmed up on my own. I’d refuse to bowl if I didn’t get the field setting I wanted or if I disagreed with the team strategy. There is no excuse for this, only an explanation: I was mentally ill. At the end of the 2015 season they released me — and I don’t blame them. I moved back into the family home and pushed my parents, brother and sister to breaking point. We were watching a replay of one of my matches and they started teasing me about my fielding. I snapped. The truth was, a bit of me had always hated people laughing at me for my fielding. My behaviour became so bad and my anger with them so great that they told me they couldn’t handle me any more. In my head I thought the cricket community was shunning me. I also thought the Sikh community wouldn’t come near me because I was bringing shame on them. On both counts I was proved wrong, but it took me a long time to realise it. People in the game were trying to help me. Essex had grounds to dismiss me. Instead, they honoured my two-year deal and paid me throughout. They also helped set the wheels in motion for my recovery.