Should I keep my sugar daddy a secret?

What a relief that you call me ‘worldly’! Because although I am as capable as anybody else of being judgmental when fired to anger about an issue, in your case my reply will be so liberal and pragmatic and (yes) worldly that some readers may disapprove. But I can’t help that.

I’m happy to hear you have found the man you want to share your life with and sincerely hope this all comes to pass. But please don’t spoil those possibilities by getting too guilt-ridden about that brief time in your life.

You see, I think honesty can be over-rated. Of course, it is important for two people who love each other to create a shared future in absolute trust. Naturally that includes admissions of needs and weaknesses — for as a couple becomes closer and closer you do share stories from the past as well as confidences in the present.

But (and it’s important) why should anybody know every darn thing about anybody else? Let’s think of our lives as spinning disco balls, fascinating as they flash points of light — yet always with a dark side round the back. It’s always turning, always changing … Just as you have changed, through loving your boyfriend.

those hook-ups with the ‘ sugar daddy’ have nothing to do with your boyfriend — and so he need never

know about them. If one day you tell him what you got up to before you met him, so be it — although I most certainly would not.

But he should never know you did three more meet-ups after you had met. Those were early days, you didn’t know this was to be a great love, you still needed some money — so what did you do wrong? not much at all ... but that’s my very ‘worldly’ self talking.

To gain a man’s perspective, I let my husband read your problem. He said, ‘But they didn’t have sex, so what did she do wrong?’ Of course, you and I know it’s pretty sleazy to meet a man in a hotel and give him a massage (with whatever extra benefits that touching brought), take the money and leave.

But you weren’t in a relationship when the ‘arrangement’ began, you didn’t mind the bloke, and you were paid money for your service to help you survive as a student. Many women have done similar things — and frankly, I have no problem with it, because nobody was hurt.

But this guilt is hurting you a bit now, so please banish it. It would be mad to spoil present happiness because of a bit of murky money in the past. Who cares tuppence what you did? Love your man, live in the present and be happy.

‘I suspect you already know what to do ,’ he said .‘ Most people who ask for advice do, you know. The advice usually just helps to confirm theirintentions.’ From The Quiet Side Of Passion by Alexander McCall Smith