I pulled my car off the road trying to end it all
CARDIFF’S TOMLIN ON HIS MENTAL HEALTH TORMENT
THE recent picture of his physical condition that Lee Tomlin posted on social media says it all.
‘I’m the fittest I’ve ever been,’ he beams proudly, reflecting on a gruelling fitness regime that has seen him lose just over two stone in a matter of months.
What is impossible to see in a picture is that the huge, suffocating weight on his mind that drove Tomlin to the brink of suicide has gone, too.
‘I’ve obviously had problems off the pitch,’ he says in an understated way that, like his photo, didn’t in any way tell the full story. ‘That’s all sorted. I’m in the right frame of mind now.’
Throughout his career, Tomlin’s technical ability has never been in doubt. ‘The issue has always been my fitness,’ said the 30-year- old Cardiff midfielder.
He did not imagine that mental health problems would come his way. ‘I never took anything too seriously,’ he says. ‘I’d laugh things off. That was just me.’
But mental health problems don’t discriminate. ‘It just shows how strong and powerful the mind can be,’ he says.
Tomlin’s talents lifted him to the Premier League when he joined Bournemouth from Middlesbrough for £3.5million in 2015, but he made just six top-flight appearances before leaving for Bristol City.
His performances earned a move to Cardiff in 2017, but by the start of last season Tomlin was training with the youth team. It was then his problems snowballed.
‘The transfer window had shut, I couldn’t go anywhere,’ he explains. ‘I found it difficult to find purpose. Everything that had happened in previous years I had probably not dealt with properly and it just exploded.
‘As you get older you mature and think more and I started focusing on worst-case scenarios.
‘For example, after football, what do you do then? And life in general, overthinking everything took its toll on me. You always have bad days in football, but to think the sort of things I was thinking at the time, it was obviously a lot deeper than your average bad day.
‘I was sitting in bed at 2am, 3am with the worst thoughts — about hanging myself, slitting my wrists, sitting there crying. I’d have the tablets in my hand.’
On one occasion, Tomlin tried to end his life while driving home on the M69. ‘I just pulled my car off the road into a ditch,’ he reveals. ‘Wrote it off. I kept it quiet, didn’t say a word. Just went and got a new car. Do I remember much before it happened? Nope. Sometimes I don’t even know how I got home from Cardiff to Leicester.
‘Afterwards I remember thinking, “What have I done there?” I thought I was going to get thrown in a mental institution, so I just said I took the corner too fast. I knew that if I was honest I wasn’t going to be able to play football again because, with the thoughts in my head, I wasn’t right.’
Confirmation came a few days later.
‘I was playing in a reserve game against Coventry, my head was all over the place and I got sent off after 10 minutes,’ he says.
‘The ref gave a bad decision and I called him every name under the sun and carried on until I got sent off for dissent.
‘The manager (Jarred Harvey) said, “You weren’t there. I could see in your eyes. Even before the game, you weren’t there. You were weird”.
‘Once I got home I thought, “This is only going to get worse”, and the same night Jarred messaged (then academy coach) Craig Bellamy and told him because they were close.
‘That night Bellamy rang me saying, “Jarred is worried about you. There is something wrong in your head. I want you to make sure you’re all right. You need to go and see someone as soon as possible”.’
That was the vital intervention Tomlin needed.
‘Somebody like that saying it, along with my agents Clive Platt and Will Salthouse, they are the ones that made me think, “Yeah, I really do”,’ he admits.
‘Neil Warnock and Michelle, the secretary at Cardiff, Clive, Will, the PFA and Sporting Chance, too, what they have done for me and how much they have helped has been unbelievable.
‘To get me in touch with people and start trying to sort myself out instead of just hiding and thinking the worst.
‘I can’t thank them all enough. Warnock knows everything that has gone on and let me go out on loan to Peterborough so I could basically be back home and try to get my head back into football.
‘ I was seeing a therapist in Loughborough who I had about 16 sessions with and it was there I got things off my chest and allowed me to speak about things that way. I’m really happy that I’ve done it because you never know what could have happened.’ ATTITUDES in football have changed significantly since Tomlin started playing senior football aged 16 at Rushden and Diamonds.
Mental health is no longer a taboo subject, highlighted by the increasing number of players who have bravely spoken out. His advice to any players who might be struggling?
‘If you’re having a few down days, go and speak to a professional straight away,’ Tomlin says.
‘Someone who won’t judge you but will just be honest — you don’t feel ashamed because you don’t know that person.
‘If I had spoken to people like that years ago, it wouldn’t have got to the stage it did.’
It is surely no coincidence that, with his mind now free, Tomlin has been able to address successfully the fitness issues he has battled throughout his career.
Since the end of last season he has been eating the right foods, drinking a ‘hell of a lot more water’ and sticking religiously to his training regime.
Tomlin has put himself through twice- daily training sessions — treadmill running, weights, sit-ups and press-ups in the morning and another run before bed every Monday to Friday with only the weekends off.
Even when he took his two boys Micah and Oscar to Dubai, he didn’t stray from his plan. The slimline Tomlin, back in preseason training with Cardiff, is a far cry from the player who returned from his summer break to Middlesbrough in 2015.
He said: ‘We were in Marbella for pre-season playing Leyton Orient and there was a side-on picture of me that was horrendous.
‘ I had to play the full game because (manager) Aitor Karanka said, “Look at the state of you”, but I could only play half a game and more or less needed an oxygen tank.’ Now there are no obstacles for Tomlin, mental or physical, which is why he can’t wait for the new campaign.
‘I want to kick on. I know if I’m this fit I can play for anyone in the Championship. Hopefully I can play, get Cardiff back to the Premier League and stay there.’