My best mate is drinking himself to death
You raise an intractable problem many of us have to face sooner or later: is it possible to intervene and make people change their ways?
This question frequently underlies letters to this column — for example, when parents write bewailing the self- destructive behaviour of an adult child. While I repeatedly insist that change is possible, that we can take control of our own lives — I do understand how hard it is.
But a few years ago I dished out some ‘tough love’ to an overweight, lonely man who boozed away his weekends and lived on crisps — and I heard from him later that it worked.
So maybe it’s time for you to risk falling out with this friend — who is very lucky to have a real mate who cares about him so much.
You’ve tried to talk to him and suggested counselling for his addictions — to no avail. He has a lovely steady girlfriend (a second chance) who has also tried to talk — and been ignored.
What excuses do we give him? oK, so he had a messy divorce, but that was four years ago, so deal with it! oK, so he doesn’t see as much of his adult daughters as he’d like — but we don’t expect our kids to live in our pockets, so (unless they’re being horrible to him — which you’d have
said) that’s nothing. OK, so he works hard at a stressful job, but so do plenty of people who don’t abuse their bodies.
What’s more, he’s been kind enough to tell the woman who loves him that he only expects to live five more years. What does he expect her to say? — ‘Thanks a bunch, sunshine — in that case I’m off!’
Yes, I am impatient — and so should you be. Of course, what you’re witnessing may be the result of an inner wound with origins deep in Dave’s past, and yet he rejects your suggestion of counselling.
If he’s holding down a highpowered job, he’s intelligent enough to know that his addictions will kill him. Why should he inflict this deliberate slow suicide on people who love him?
If this were my best friend, I’d first have to show her I was serious by not having a drink myself when she came round, and not offering her one. If your chums are all drinkers (like my own) then Dave is going to continue, isn’t he? Gandhi said: ‘We must be the change we wish to see in the world.’
Have you thought of luring your friend away on a weekend break on some pretext or other, and doubling down on the serious talk — with NO booze in the rented cottage?
How will he know how frustrated and angry and worried you feel — unless you stop being gentle and spell it out? I think his girlfriend Molly should be brutal, too. agree that together.
ask Dave what matters to him in life. Where he finds meaning. ask what kind of funeral he wants and what he would like his weeping daughters to read out.
Tell him you’re selling your bike because he’s a disappointing dead loss.
Next time you’re at his place, sneak upstairs and find all those painkillers and remove them.
Since he shows no sign of holding back on anything, I don’t think you should either.