I’m 74 and stuck in a bad marriage
DEAR BEL, I WAS 24 when my first husband left me with a boy of three and a baby girl of 11 months.
He never had anything to do with them after that. Following our divorce, I always said I wouldn’t marry again — because I didn’t want to get divorced again.
Then (46 years ago) I married a drinker — sometimes not a pleasant one — and had another son.
When I was 50, I left him and moved into my own house. But I still saw him, went out and had holidays with him.
After ten years he sold the family home and moved back in with me. My family and best friend told me ‘Don’t!’, but I thought things would be OK as we were older.
I was wrong. The only place he wants to go is to the pub, by himself, seven days a week. He is Mr Nice Person outside the home, but not so nice indoors.
If I try to talk to him, all he does is scream at me. I am 74 and haven’t got much money. Lately I haven’t been well due to atrial fibrillation. I have a good family and friends, but what can I do at my age?
Can you advise? BERNADETTE
THIS is a very sad story indeed. You have had two damaging experiences of marriage and I feel sorry for the deep pain — not to mention permanent disappointment — you have endured.
You must be extremely lonely within this nonmarriage. However, it is a complete mystery to me (as it must have been to those who care for you) why you went on seeing your husband (to the extraordinary extent of holidaying with him) after you had left him.
It takes so much determination to leave a spouse, in this case because of his drinking. So what on earth made you continue to share a bed with him part-time?
You say you let him move back with you because you thought he might have improved with age — and yet on all those evenings and holidays you must have seen he was still drinking. So was it wilful love? Or fear of being alone?
Many people remain in unhappy marriages because they are terrified of being alone. and yet they condemn themselves to exactly the emotional isolation you describe — shutting their own prison door behind them.
The key has not turned in that lock. It is never too late to call time on a marriage. at 74, surely you have a right to expect some consideration from your husband — and peace?
With the threat to your health (atrial fibrillation is an irregular and often rapid heart rate that can increase your risk of stroke, heart failure and other heartrelated complications), it is essential that you eat well, give up smoking and alcohol (if you indulge in either) and cut out as much stress as possible. How can you do that with a selfish drinker who ‘screams’ at you?
You are blessed with two sons and a daughter, as well as good friends. It seems to me you need to talk to them all and try to find a way forward with their help.
If you want to talk to an expert on the phone, look at
relate.org.uk, click on ‘find your nearest relate office’, and then you can make a telephone appointment.
It might clarify matters to chat to a stranger. Your two unlucky marriages have left you feeling helpless, a victim of your own poor judgments. Well, now is the time to take back control and say: ‘enough’.