I fear uprooting my life for a new man
DEAR BEL,
TWO and a half years ago I met Tim, who lives 12 miles away. We’d both lost our partners, and are now in love and get on so well we’d like to live closer.
We’re both 78. Tim made it plain he didn’t want to leave his own bungalow and wants me to move — either in with him or very close by.
His home is small, on a housing estate a long walk from the bus stop. I don’t like it very much and think we should buy somewhere together.
In theory, I wouldn’t mind moving, but there are no shops, doctors or other services — only a huge supermarket.
I’d be dependent on him for driving. Also I have an elderly cat and Tim is not a cat lover, so this could be difficult.
He’s adamant he does not want to move, and seems fairly content to spend a few days with me each week, while I make up my mind.
He has a very full life: tennis, swimming, friends, family. I have no family or friends locally and have chronic back problems. My chiropractor is a short bus ride away — and the bus stop is the end of my street.
Tim says he’ll take me wherever I want to go, but 12 miles for treatment seems a long way. He’s the most caring person I’ve met — but can be immovably stubborn.
He insists on going abroad for twice-yearly holidays in the sun and doesn’t intend to give them up, even though his absence affects me badly. I ‘self-medicate’ with alcohol. He says my reaction makes him feel guilty about going, but that doesn’t stop him!
As a child, I had a rather chaotic upbringing and sadly, this has left me with a real fear of ‘abandonment’ by any person I’m attached to. I have had plenty of therapy (to no avail) and talked to Tim about it at length, and he sympathises. I don’t know what to do. HILDA
YOu gave me more detail about your sad, chaotic upbringing — and I feel great sympathy for the long-term results of those tearful separations. I’m sorry no ‘talking therapies’ have worked and just hope that your decreasing mobility will be alleviated by the chiropractor.
Now you require honesty — and so I must be frank. I would be concerned about you moving house at the age 78 for the sake of a man you love who seems to expect you to make all the sacrifices.
Look at the contrast between you. He is clearly very fit, active, surrounded by people who care about him, and a driver. You are pretty alone in the world and infirm — and with deep-seated problems due to your unbringing.
Yet Tim expects you to bear the whole strain of moving house — a pretty traumatic upheaval at any age — knowing you would rather buy somewhere together, and that the lack of a bus will make you dependent on him.
What if you have a chiropractic appointment and he happens to have tennis booked? How long will it be before your needs become
secondary to his own wishes? On the holiday issue that’s already happening. I don’t blame him for wanting his twice-yearly relaxation in the sun — but when you love somebody, don’t you have to tailor your selfish wants to their needs, and vice versa?
Twice I have left a home I truly loved to move to a place I felt very unsure about — for the sake of somebody I loved, first a husband and then a son. It worked out just fine, but the process was very painful, both times.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t move at your age, just warning that it won’t be easy. Seriously, I’d want to know what concessions Tim is willing to make for you.
You say you hate the sun and travelling kills your back, so might he take one holiday alone, not two? Might he revisit the idea of buying a shared bungalow close to all amenities — instead of refusing outright?
I believe you when you describe him as loving and caring, but for that to be true he must meet you halfway.
If he refuses, then I would just carry on as you are — taking care of your cat, seeing him for part of the week and finding good things to share.