Ephraim Hardcastle
WHAT Cabinet post did Boris offer Jacob Rees-Mogg when he visited him last Wednesday at Mogg Towers in London? Boris brought with him the kippers he’d brandished earlier at his final campaign hustings and they both tucked in. ‘Boris cooked them’, confirms Jacob. Might his Mogginess be the new fisheries minister?
THE Queen, postponing her departure for Balmoral to greet Theresa May’s successor, has urged the incoming PM to make haste with Cabinet appointments. Her private secretary Edward Young contacted Cabinet Secretary Sir Mark Sedwill requesting him to inform both Tory candidates that tardiness in naming ministers will mean having to wait until October, when the Queen returns to London, for their formal audiences to receive the seals of office. Luckily Queen Victoria is no longer on the throne. She expected ministers to travel to Balmoral and Edward VIII, holidaying in Biarritz, obliged new PM Herbert Asquith to travel to the Hotel du Palais to kiss hands.
NICOLE Kidman’s icecool demeanour collapsed when an Australian radio interviewer quoted the lyrics of a song by her country singer husband Keith Urban describing her as a sex maniac in bed and added: ‘He also says you wake up in the middle of the night to [make love].’ Nicole, pictured, snapped: ‘I’m not answering that. That’s outrageous. Shut up!’ Too late to ask warbler Keith to do the same.
GOADING Piers Morgan, following his criticism of pal President Trump amid the current racism row, Lord Sugar tweets: ‘Piersy this is a bit risky. CNN will bring this to Donald’s attention and your desire to visit the White House is now quashed... I would love to hear what Donald would say.’ Retorts Morgan: ‘I like being honest with my friends – for instance, your plastic surgery isn’t working.’ Miaow.
FORMER MI5 chief turned novelist Stella Rimington recalls a post-retirement diplomatic dinner with the ambassador of a former Soviet bloc country, who suddenly announced: ‘She knows the name of all my mistresses.’ ‘I could see,’ says Stella, ‘all the men looking at me out the corner of their eyes thinking, “I wonder if she knows mine?” It’s the kind of thing I like to keep them wondering about.’ Once a spook, always a spook.
THE late Kingsley Amis had a camel’s thirst for scotch and would rejoice at the rather staid London Library’s current application for a drinks licence. But it won’t be competing with nearby Soho troughs. Well-watered bibliophiles will be out on the street by midnight. Last orders!
DAVID Davis, eagerly awaiting a return from the political wilderness under Boris, seems to have offended Sky’s Kay Burley, who tweets: ‘If we can put a man on the moon why can’t we put David Davis there?’ Do tell, Kay!