I’m bereft over Grandad’s dementia

YOuR touching email contains thoughts and feelings many people will recognise — not just because they remind us of a worrying current issue, but because they bubble up from the heart of the human condition.

There comes a moment in the lives of most children when, for the first time, they become aware of mortality. Perhaps this happens through the death of a beloved pet, perhaps because of family grief over an elderly relative, perhaps because something terrible happens to a school friend.

Whatever the circumstances, at that point the eight-year- old (or whatever age) soul is forced to contemplate what each golden autumnal leaf-fall warns: that every life will end and, therefore, loss must be borne.

Most children feel bewildered, but in truth, that feeling is scarcely mastered as we grow older. This week I read an obituary of somebody born in the same year as me — and whispered to my husband: ‘Oh, it’s so terrible to imagine one’s own death.’ And so it is. Even when we try to come to terms with this.

Dementia is, in some ways, more cruel than death — because it brings loss forward. gradually, we witness the erosion of personality, the loss of memory and language, a slow beginning of the end. This is something I am having to face in my own life, with dear parents in their 90s, one of who has been diagnosed with vascular dementia.

You are young; I am — shall we say — mature (I like to be kind to myself), but both of us find ourselves terribly sad at the thought of these painful realities.

How blessed you are to be a part of such a close family, with a wise aunt who has tried to help. Listen to her and give thanks for the fact that you are all there to support your grandparents.

Then, don’t you think it would be good to start a project? Your grandad is still remembering things from the past and still knows you. So why not start to compile an account of his life by taking down his memories of the years before he met your grandmother and talking to both of them about how they met and so on.

Do it as soon as possible, but don’t leave it in digital form because that can be so easily lost; make a proper little book about them, having photographs copied, assembling anecdotes from their children, and so on. This way you can hold on to your grandfather for as long as possible and create something really beautiful to keep for the rest of your life.

Just as you will treasure your memories of those you love — who made you the person you are: caring, loving and brave.