The women who never say NO to their children
A new philosophy known as ‘gentle parenting’ bans words like ‘naughty’ even when youngsters run riot. Enlightened... or just creating a generation of tiny terrors?
LoCkInG the lavatory door behind her, natalie Brown breathes deeply and tries to regain her composure. What, you may wonder, has so tested her that she’s resorted to hiding in the loo? The answer is her three children — Bluebell, seven, maximilian, four, and marigold, two. or, to be more specific, their sometimes unruly behaviour.
on this occasion, a sulk had turned into a tantrum, followed by serious sibling fisticuffs, with the sound of something fragile — and possibly expensive — smashing as a crescendo.
But, whereas many mothers would keep their children in check with a good talking- to or a spell on the ‘naughty step’, natalie, 38, a writer, is determined not to resort to these age-old parenting tools.
Instead, so that she doesn’t lose her temper and break her own ‘gentle parenting’ golden rules, she’ll retreat to the bathroom when things with her offspring get too much.
A short while later, she will emerge calmer and only then engage the three youngsters in a constructive discussion on the negative impact of hair-pulling,
remote control-throwing, or whatever it is they’ve been up to.
Rather than disciplining children as generations before have done, natalie is among a growing group of parents embracing the so- called ‘gentle’ approach, where you patiently explain to your child the consequences of their behaviour, rather than saying ‘no’ or raising your voice. ‘ Gentle parents’ also say you should never call your children ‘naughty’, in case you damage their confidence.
Such is the power of the ‘no to no’ movement that a study of British nurseries recently found nine out of
ten have banned the word ‘naughty’, for fear it could cause selfperpetuating behaviour.
The argument goes that there is always a reason for a child acting up — whether it’s frustration, boredom or disappointment.
Three in five nurseries have also abandoned the ‘naughty step’ or ‘thinking chair’ as a tool for enforcing discipline.
‘There are times when the kids wear me down and it would be easy to tell them off,’ admits Natalie, who blogs at crummymummy.co.uk. ‘But, instead, I shut myself in the loo for five minutes to get some perspective. Anything to ensure I don’t break my own rules.’
‘The word “no” doesn’t teach children anything. If parents lose their tempers and label their kids “naughty”, that’s about them not knowing how to channel their own emotions,’ adds Natalie, who lives in Hove, East Sussex, with her journalist husband Rob, 41, and their children.
‘When Bluebell was a toddler, we had a designated naughty corner, because everyone did. But the crestfallen look on her face when we sent her there for unruly behaviour on her second birthday made me feel there must be better ways to parent than branding her badly behaved.
‘Since then, my ethos has been that we resolve things by talking. I rarely say “no” to my children. But it’s a constant bone of contention, because my husband completely disagrees with me. He thinks I’m a pushover, which has led to some heated arguments between us.’