How to talk Portia* than Her Majesty
* For us hoi polloi, that means ‘posher’. And as Olivia Colman speaks the Queen’s English in TV’s The Crown, here’s a witty guide on how we can all sound awfully upper class
OLIVIA COLMAN’S first two words as the Queen in the new series of TV’s The Crown are ‘old bat’ as she describes her likeness on a new set of stamps. Colman is said to pronounce the words as ‘ewld bet’. Clearly, the ‘Queen’s English’ is much posher than the one most of us speak. A new book, The Dictionary Of Posh, by HUGH KELLETT, gives a wry guide to how the royals and fellow upper classes speak. So pour yourself a nice glass of ‘wane’ and get learning! Cheers... or should that be ‘chairs’?
FOOD AND DRINK
BAIT: A rapid meal Translation: Bite CARACAS: Biscuits for cheese. Translation: Crackers CHAIRS: All the best, chin-chin, bottoms up, down the hatch Translation: Cheers. DART: A food regime Translation: Diet FRAY: A speedy method of cooking Translation: Fry GEM: A sweet spread Translation: Jam GRICE: A game bird Translation: Grouse PAINT: A liquid quantity Translation: Pint PAY: A pastry Translation: Pie PLOUGH: A type of rice Translation: Pilau RAPE: Mature Translation: Ripe SPACE: A culinary ingredient
Translation: Spice SPRITES: Vegetables
Translation: Sprouts WANE: Fermented grape juice
Translation: Wine
NAMES
BREAD: As in Pitt Translation: Brad HAIRY: As in Houdini, Redknapp, Flesh-Herries, Prince etc Translation: Harry JAILS: As in farmer Translation: Giles JEMMY: As in Clarkson, Paxman etc Translation: Jeremy MERRY: As in Queen of Scots Translation: Mary TENURE: A girl’s name Translation: Tanya
ANIMALS
AUKS: Not seabirds but a large bovine creature Translation: Ox BASIN: Nothing to do with bathrooms but a big shaggy bovine Translation: Bison CAR: Bovine animal Translation: Cow FLAY: Unwholesome insect
Translation: Fly FORKS: A wild canine creature
Translation: Fox HIND: A dog Translation: Hound RHETT: Not the star of Gone With The Wind but a rodent Translation: Rat VAPOUR: A snake Translation: Viper
DESCRIPTIONS
BED: Immoral Translation: Bad GOURD: Morally upright Translation: Good
CAFFREY: Happy and Unconcerned Translation: Carefree CROQUET: Hoarse Translation: Croaky DRAY: Not wet Translation: Dry EXPENSIVE: Wide
Translation: Expansive FEIGN: Fair
Translation: Fine HOBBLE: Bad, nasty
Translation: Horrible MAILED: Relatively weak
Translation: Mild MENTION: A large house
Translation: Mansion SLATE: Small Translation: Slight TARRED: Exhausted Translation: Tired
HOME
BARED: A sleeping place (where you can be unclothed) Translation: Bed FOREPLAY: Type of wood Translation: Four-ply GARTER: A drainage device Translation: Gutter
GREVILLE: Small stones Translation: Gravel KENDAL: A taper Translation: Candle NATALIE: Trim, smart
Translation: Neatly SHAH: A quick precipitation Translation: Shower
PLACES
ENTRY: A northern racecourse Translation: Aintree ESCORT: Another racecourse Translation: Ascot FAIRY: A passenger boat Translation: Ferry INJURE: Country by Pakistan Translation: India KELLY: French port Translation: Calais KENYAN: A gorge Translation: Canyon RUSH-HOUR: A large country Translation: Russia SARI: A county south of London
Translation: Surrey SEWER: Place in Egypt
Translation: Suez
FAMILY
ALLIANCE: A regular amount of money paid into one’s bank Translation: Allowance BATH: The process of coming into this world Translation: Birth DEAD: Father Translation: Dad WAIF: A spouse Translation: Wife MARY: To wed Translation: Marry
CONVERSATION
ARE: 60 minutes Translation: Hour ASHLEY: In fact Translation: Actually CRÈME: To stuff Translation: Cram DAY: To expire Translation: Die EARS: Affirmative Translation: Yes HAIR: Present Translation: Here HIGH: In what way Translation: How
NIGH: At the present time Translation: Now ORPHAN: Quite a lot
Translation:
Often PSALM:
A few
Translation:
Some RALLY: Very
Translation:
Really
SPORT & ENTERTAINMENT
BAKE: A form of two-wheeled transport
Translation: Bike BELLY: Artfully dancing to music
Translation: Ballet BETTING: In, as in cricket Translation: Batting CLAIM: To ascend Translation: Climb KETCHUP:
Recorded media
Translation:
Catch-up
KLEIN: A funny man at a circus
Translation:
Clown
WORK AND SCHOOL
METHS: Arithmetic Translation: Maths NINE: A part of speech Translation: Noun PINED: British currency denomination Translation: Pound RATING: Calligraphy Translation: Writing RETARD: No longer working Translation: Retired
HIGH SOCIETY
HARNESS: Title of monarch Translation: Highness PORTIA: To be more upmarket Translation: Posher SQUARE: Minor landed gentleman
Translation: Squire VACANT: A rank of nobility
Translation: Viscount
BODY PARTS
AIR: An organ Translation: Ear GLENS: Hormone producers Translation: Glands HENS: Things at the end of one’s arms Translation: Hands
MISCELLANEOUS
ARE: Sixty minutes Translation: Hour CRIED: A lot of people Translation: Crowd FAVE: The number after four Translation: Five GUESS: A fuel Translation: Gas PAR: Force
Translation: Power
THE Dictionary Of Posh by Hugh Kellett with illustrations by Oliver Preston is published by Quiller at £14.95. © 2019 Hugh Kellett and Oliver Preston. To order a copy for £11.95 (20 per cent discount, P&P free), go to mailshop.co.uk or call 01603 648155. Offer valid until November 25, 2019.