Real relationships beat fictional flings

STEPH SAYS:

I THInk this is one problem in which we have to read between the lines. The reason I say that is you seem to be making a bit much out of this, and I wonder if you really are as happy in your marriage as you say.

are you sure there’s not something wrong between you and your husband, and you don’t want to admit it?

You’re completely giddy at the thought of your university crush getting in touch, but how do you know he’s messaging you with a view to an affair?

The poor bloke is probably just lonely. Have you thought this through? He just got divorced. He’s likely lost most of his friends. That often happens — who gets the ‘joint’ besties is a question in many a split.

so it seems quite likely he has suddenly found himself without a social life and is reaching out to the pool of people he used to like partying with.

That includes you. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but it’s very possible you are one of the people, male and female, he’s made contact with. an interesting exercise would be to ask him who else he’s planning on meeting up with. If he reels off a list of old mates, then take note.

Without being cruel, I think it would be remiss of me not to point out that he may not have spent the last 20- odd years hankering after you. You are convinced he wants to see you for emotional reasons, but I think it’s quite likely it’s just social.

I think you’re captivated by the idea of young love, but it’s just that — an idea. It’s like you’ve got yourself caught up in a fairytale narrative; that you were some mousy thing in spectacles and now the Golden Boy is finally going to notice you.

For a moment, let’s imagine that’s true. If it is and you’re swept off your feet, what about your husband? not to mention your poor daughter!

You’re turning this into a love story which doesn’t exist. and it seems to me you’ve written to us because you’re looking for permission to pick up the phone and say ‘Yes’. But I’m afraid I’m not going to say that.

You’re still holding a torch for him — do not shine it in your husband’s eyes. If you were to meet this bloke, you should do so with your husband, but it would only be fair to tell him you used to have a crush on him.

and, when it’s clear you still do have that crush, it’s going to hurt him. I don’t see why you would do that. If there are problems in your marriage, then face them and deal with them.

Marriages can be hard work, but don’t jeopardise your real relationship for a fictional fling.