I’m scared my toxic marriage is harming our child

DEAR BEL,

I’VE been married 21 years. We have a lovely 11-year-old daughter who is a real joy — but I worry about the effect on her of our disorderly relationship.

Seven years ago my husband suddenly lost a job he loved. Our daughter was four; I was working part-time. It took months to find another job, although I don’t think he tried that hard.

He was very picky, despite limited qualifications. Although I have a degree, I’m not trained, and grateful for any work.

His new job was only temporary. Then he lost his mother unexpectedly, which was awful for him.

At the time, we were going through IVF treatment, but I decided to stop it because we couldn’t afford it, but also because I didn’t think he wanted it.

After more temporary jobs he got a permanent one, then proposed retraining. I was seeing a counsellor at the time (depression and anxiety) and we talked it through. I recognised a risk (he’s not the most dedicated worker) but thought it might reignite his motivation and help with his grief.

So I got a second job — thinking in two years he’d finally have his own trade and could be his own boss. I worked seven days a week. But he lost interest and dropped out very close to the finish line. At this point, I was exhausted and dropped my second job. Later he got a rubbish one as a driver. We have debts. He won’t change jobs and doesn’t contribute to our daughter’s school trips or presents. We don’t take holidays. We still can’t afford to replace the boiler that broke four years ago.

I’ve had to approach a debt management charity and my mum buys our food.

I was giving him money for the mortgage but recently found out he’s not bothered paying it and attended a court hearing without telling me. I’m now paying that; he doesn’t contribute or do anything around the house.

He’s technically self-employed but works little — often saying the car needs to be serviced. If I try to talk to him, it escalates. The rows are awful and he won’t move out.

I’m devastated that my daughter has to live with this situation. I don’t want her to think this is normal.

He’s changed so much that we’re like strangers — and sleep separately. My family knows the situation and is running out of patience. I know he’s unwell, but he won’t accept it and avoids all issues.

I feel bad for wanting to end the marriage, but the fights have taken their toll. He won’t have a pension and I get resentful thinking I’m going to have to support him when he’s retired. Surely men are supposed to provide for their families? Neither of us can move on and I’ve given up all my dreams. JANE

Your uncut letter painted a picture of pain: your own, your husband’s and your daughter’s.

Let’s add the fact that you are menopausal, he is on useless antidepressants, and you still harbour resentment against him for the fact that you stopped IVF largely due to his work and financial problems. It’s a toxic stew.

So you need to do much more than ‘worry’ about the effect of your rows on your 11- year- old child. It’s imperative that you both take some decisions soon — because this girl is far more important than your mutual resentment.

Next year she will go to secondary school and then enter puberty — and living with two screaming adults could damage her permanently. You believe you’re stuck and it’s impossible for you and your husband to move on.

I hear the weary misery, but you still have to realise that not moving on cannot be an option.

This sad marriage epitomises t h e Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse theory of the American psychologist and marriage expert Dr John Gottman. He identified four things likely to doom a marriage: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.

Your longer description of life at home contains all four: total

negativity about your husband, contempt for what you see as his uselessness, the fact that you both blame each other not yourselves, and his blocking out and refusing to listen.

it sounds as though you lost all respect for your husband many years ago and — given his lack of interest in hard work, his ditching of the retraining you were supporting, and his general fecklessness — it’s not surprising.

i imagine the stuffing was knocked out of him when he summarily lost that job he loved ( receiving no financial compensation) and soon had to endure the shock and grief of his mother’s death.

it’s likely he has never recovered from that double blow, and his ongoing malaise ( anger, lassitude and gloom) stems from that time.

i realise it’s impossible to talk to a man who denies all issues, but for the sake of your daughter — and your own mental health — you need to take the next step. this dying marriage must be put out of its misery.

harbouring your bitter disappointment will make you ill. so i suggest you get in touch with Relate ( relate.org.uk) and National Family Mediation ( nfm.org.uk).

study both their websites, investigate possibilities, make phone calls and resolve to end this festering situation with action.

have you talked to your daughter properly? An 11-year-old must know this isn’t ‘normal’. so make sure her school knows the situation ( it may be causing problems already) and then respect her by being honest.

insist your husband joins you to reassure her that she is loved and that Mum and Dad promise to do something about being so angry all the time. it’s vital she doesn’t think it her fault.

i sympathise with your grief over the loss of your dreams, but now your test is dealing with this reality.