Hell of Xmas with my daughter’s wife
DEAR BEL I LOVE my daughter dearly and have no problem with her. BUT she’s in a gay marriage, and my problem is with her partner who is so opinionated I’m dreading Christmas with them.
My health isn’t good and in the past I’ve tended to spend the holiday on coach trips, but can’t manage it this year. So my daughter insists on them coming to ‘look after me’.
On their recent visit, I was told my darker hair rinse, was ‘better than the brassy barmaid look’!
I bit my tongue so often it was a wonder I could speak.
If I were to say how I feel it would cause a rift with my daughter and she’s happy with this woman, but I am worried that spending the coming festivities with them would spoil my (last?) Christmas.
I’m quite happy to be on my own, rather than sitting quietly while they read books. Do you have any ideas? PAMELA
Despite all the evidence to the contrary i cling to the idea of family love — that’s why i’m celebrating your letter. i have written thousands of words about loneliness, estranged families, bitterness between partners, depression, neglectful children…it all makes me sad as well as jaded. But now you describe a situation where an older lady in poor health who lives alone has a daughter she loves and who loves her right back.
this lucky woman has people who want to ‘look after’ her. Who notice the shade of her hair! Who will (presumably) cook Christmas lunch. Who want to talk, even expressing their views on this and that, instead of sitting in silence. Or sit comfortably reading instead of insisting you watch whatever dreadful Christmas shows they choose. Wow!
Oh, but wait…What’s this? You are ‘dreading spending Christmas with them’.
Can it be true? i ask you to imagine how many men and women are reading this and yearning for a family visit and just the kind of Christmas you describe. You, on the other hand, have relished all those festive coach trips with a bunch of strangers. Good for you. independence is a fine thing for those fortunate enough to have it.
Your problem, i suspect, is not that you don’t want your daughter to visit (how could you not?) but that you dislike the fact that she’s gay. i hate to say this (because i don’t like thinking it) but it sounds as if this may be more significant than the personality of her partner. Your capital letters (‘BUt…’) are revealing. i wonder whether you’d prefer it if she were married to a bloke. You should think hard about that.
Believe me, i know women who simply can’t stand their daughters’ unpleasant husbands. What can be done? Vow to make it work and so on — for the sake of mother-daughter love.
if it’s not the partner’s gender that bothers you but her opinions, i suggest you do less irritable biting of your tongue and perhaps engage in gentle conversation, using that useful muscular organ to spread a little lightness of heart.
if your hair comes up again you could ask your daughter-in-law: ‘D’you reckon i should go pink next time?’
seriously, try not to be so grumpy, critical and rejecting. it will only make you unhappy in the end. You could choose to make it all wonderful — if only you can open your heart.
Did you play board games in your youth? Why not get hold of one and suggest a few laughs? Ask about what they are reading and chat about why. Ask your daughter-in-law about her childhood and get to know her.
Get out old photographs, tell stories, mull some wine. if this were to be your ‘last Christmas’ (i sincerely hope not, although we should live as though each day were our last) then may you find blessings in their company and make it full of warmth and light.