I’m going on my Christmas walk... I may be some time
WARNING: Christmas can seriously damage your health. That’s the alarmist conclusion of a report from academics at Liverpool University.
They found that inactivity during the festive season causes irreversible physiological damage. Lounging around over the holiday fortnight poses a serious threat to life and limb.
Older people, by which they mean anyone over 60, are especially at risk from cardio-respiratory problems.
Even young adults aged between 20 and 30 can experience a significant drop in energy levels, muscle wastage and a marked increase in body fat.
Researcher Juliette Norman said: ‘At this time of year, a lot of us will end up taking it far easier than normal — eating, drinking and taking less exercise.’
It took a scientific survey to work that one out? As one of Liverpool’s favourite sons, Yosser Hughes, from Boys From The Blackstuff, said: ‘I could do that. Gissa Job.’
The solution, according to these experts, is to go for a walk on Christmas Day. ‘ Don’t wait until Boxing Day,’ Juliette Norman advises. Otherwise, you’re all going to DIE! How stupid do they think we are? Do they seriously believe that most people are unaware that they’re in danger of putting on a few pounds over Christmas and New Year?
Why else would millions go on crash diets and swear off the booze in January — as well as taking out expensive gym memberships, which they’ll never use again after Valentine’s Day.
THERE’S no escape from these fatuous, year-round health scares, from the inevitability of contracting skin cancer every time you venture outdoors in the summer to suffering fatal myocardial infarction brought on by that last, waferthin, after-dinner chocolate mint at Christmas.
It can only be a matter of time before the elf’n’safely nazis insist on all food and drink being sold in plain packaging emblazoned with dire warnings of impending death: ‘EATING BUTTER CLOGS THE ARTERIES AND CAUSES HEART ATTACK AND STROKES.’
How long before it’s illegal to display lamb chops, and sausages have to be kept behind padlocked grilles, like tobacco products?
Think I’m kidding? As the Mail reported yesterday, the latest lunacy from the obesity police involves a demand for all food and drink labels to tell you how much exercise to take to burn off all the calories contained therein.
For instance, under the proposed guidelines, a fizzy drink clocking in at 138 calories could be accompanied by a small symbol showing it would take 26 minutes of walking or 13 minutes of running to burn it off.
You won’t be surprised to learn this intelligence-insulting nonsense comes from yet another academic study. Professor Amanda Daley, of Loughborough University, explained (presumably very slowly and in a low, patronising voice): ‘We’ve got to have something that you can easily understand and make sense of without having to have a PhD in mathematics to work out what eating a quarter of a pizza actually means.
‘If I tell you something will take you 60 minutes of walking to burn, I think most people understand that and know that 60 minutes of walking is a long way.’
For those too stupid to realise ‘60 minutes of walking is a long way’, here are some other Christmas cholesterol-busting tips.
Don’t fancy walking? Then cleaning the windows for 45 minutes will allow you to work off the calories in a large glass of white wine.
If a double Baileys is your festive tipple, mowing the lawn should do the trick. Ironing for 22 minutes mitigates the effects of a helping of single cream.
And if ironing or window cleaning strikes you as a little mundane, half- an- hour’s kickboxing will burn off a slice of Christmas cake and playing hopscotch for 25 minutes cancels out two spoonfuls of cranberry sauce.
The more ambitious among us can try belly dancing for 34 minutes per Yorkshire pudding, plus a further 27 minutes of rock climbing if you smother it in gravy.
Kayaking for 35 minutes burns off three slices of turkey and doing kung fu for 18.5 minutes is sufficient penance for heaping brandy butter on your Christmas pud.
It all adds up, Grasshopper.
AND finally, you would need to walk 68 miles, from Sunderland to Carlisle, to burn off the 5,153 calories the average person consumes on Christmas Day.
I suppose you could sit at the table peddling a Peleton while you eat. But can you imagine a typical family Christmas dinner if everyone actually followed this advice?
There’d be carnage as granny got up from the table and started belly dancing after stuffing her face with Yorkshires and the kids set about kickboxing and kung fu fighting their Christmas pud into the middle of next week.
Try suggesting Mum gets out the ironing board after spending all morning in the kitchen preparing Brussels sprouts and cooking the turkey and see how far that gets you. She’ll be slumped on the sofa with a box of Milk Tray and a well- earned bottle of prosecco. Don’t even think of suggesting that she cleans the windows, not even in jest.
And can anyone actually see Dad pulling on his coat and boots and doing a Captain Oates on Christmas night?
‘You’re not going to the pub, George. Gavin And Stacey’s on in a minute.’
‘No, mother, I’m not going to the boozer. I’m walking to Carlisle to burn off my dinner. Don’t wait up. I should be back the day after Boxing Day . . .’