I couldn’t get the Black Dyke Band in the bran tub
LIKE so much of Victoria Wood’s comedy, Dinnerladies — set in a Manchester canteen — could be achingly sad even as it served up dialogue that made you weep with laughter. The Christmas 1999 episode saw Wood’s character Bren on the verge of breaking up with her boyfriend Tony, after revealing to him that she wasn’t yet divorced. The other characters have their own problems... like sharing out the presents from the bran tub.
JEAN: Well, there’s no harm in having two watches, is there? STAN: No, no. It’s very smart. Water-resistant. JEAN: Oh, that’s good. STAN: No depth given, but... TONY: Get a move on, Stan. stan reaches into the tub and pulls out two bags which he hands to tony and twinkle. STAN: Tony, from Twinkle. And Twinkle, from Dolly. twinkle reaches into her bag and pulls out a china horse figurine. TWINKLE: Ah, he’s lovely. Thanks,
Dolly. JEAN: I gave you that two years ago. DOLLY: Did you? I suppose if I’d been on HRT, I would have remembered. tony reaches into his bag and pulls out a pack of bacon. TONY: Oh, bacon. Thanks, Twink.
Bren giggles softly. TWINKLE: You like bacon, don’t ya? TONY: Yeah. TWINKLE: ’Cause I never know what to get men. I was going to score you some Viagra, but the bloke never turned up. TONY: No, bacon’s great. DOLLY: Just Bren, from Tony. stan reaches into the tub, but it’s empty. STAN: No, there’s nothing in here. BREN: Oh, ha-ha. TONY: Oh, Bren. I knew I’d forgotten something.
Bren looks down at the table disappointedly. BREN: It’s OK. tony takes some money out of his pocket and hands it to Bren. TONY: Look, have the fiver. You nip out and get yourself a pair of tights or something. We’ll clear up. BREN: No. JEAN: I need a pair, Bren. This body-shape bd h h has shredded h dd d mine. i
TONY: Just nip to the petrol station for Jean, eh?
Bren’s angry. she gets up and starts leaving the room. TONY: Take an anorak, Bren. It’s freezing. BREN: No, I’ve ripped it again.
Everyone gets up quickly and starts rearranging the room. TONY: It’s twenty past three, flippin’ eck. Get them shutters down, Stan.
John enters the room. TONY: John, brilliant! Come in, man. Good timing, or what? twinkle starts writing a happy birthday message on the notice board for Bren. TWINKLE: How many ns in Bren? stan pulls down the shutters and everyone scurries to get the surprise ready before Bren comes back. Bren enters the kitchen with a notepad and pen, looking sad. she puts the notepad on the counter and starts writing a note for tony. stan opens the door and shouts her name to the others in the next room to let them know she’s back. stan enters the kitchen and closes the door behind him. STAN: Did you get what you wanted? Bren! BREN: I’m gonna go, Stan.
STAN STAN: Wait, we haven’t finished our party yet.
BREN: I’m handing my notice in. This thing with Tony isn’t gonna work. ’Cause he’s gonna go off me. ’Cause they do, don’t they, men? They go off you or leave you or whack you around a bit and it’s just, it’s just gonna be really difficult working with him once that happens.
STAN: Hey, hey, hey. Is this about the CD? Not buying you the CD?
BREN: Well, no. Well, yeah. That’s what I’m talking about. He said he’d do it, and he didn’t do it. And I really like him. I always really liked him. And I’m bound to b****r it up somehow, excuse my language, so will you give him this?
STAN: Don’t go just yet. Did I ever tell you about the day I had to go to casualty with a dart in me head? BREN: No.
STAN: If you take my head as a dartboard, it went in here. Low score. (Points to his s chin) Double e top — I’d have ve been dead.
Bren finishes her er note t and dt tears out tth the page f from the notepad.
BREN: Look, I wanna go before he comes in.
STAN: Well, just let me tell ya this — in case you ever get a dart in your head. Because this happens more often than you might think. Don’t do what I did. Don’t try to knock it off your face with a screwdriver. tony opens the door a tad and sneakily gives stan a thumbs-up to signal Bren’s surprise is ready. BREN: Go on. stan takes Bren by the shoulders and looks her in the eyes. STAN: Do you want w to see what he’s got go you for Christmas? BREN: What d’you d’yo mean? STAN: This Tony T you’ve been worrying worry about. stan leads lea Bren to the shutters shu and open opens them up so she sh can see her surprise — the Black Dyk Dyke Band star starts playing Hap Happy Birt Birthday. Bren is stunned stu and goes t to stand next to tony, facing th the band. All
her friends sing and then start applauding. When the singing is over, they come to stand in a line, facing Bren and tony.
BREN: That’s my band off my tape. TONY: I know. Sorry I couldn’t get them in the bran tub. Oh, and this is your birthday present. tony reaches into a bag he’s holding and pulls out a blue anorak that he hands to Bren. TONY: Do you like it? We had to send Jane out for it. JANE: Is it all right? It was that or aubergine. DOLLY: And this is from us.
Dolly hands over two tickets. TWINKLE (In the background)
And me. DOLLY: Plane tickets to Scotland. JEAN: Best seats on the plane. TONY: I’ve done some phoning around today, I’ll tell ya. tony reaches into the bag again and pulls out an Etch A sketch th that he hands to Bren. TONY: Oh, and this is just a stupid little thing.
Bren takes it and places her head on tony’s shoulder while he wraps his arm around her a and starts laughing.
JANE: I’ve lost me flipping bet, haven’t I? No way are they gonna hold out till Christmas Day. They’ll be at it on the flipping plane! TWINKLE: Yeah, get your 50 quid out, loser. TONY: You don’t have to draw on it or anything. It’s only, like, a joke.
Bells B start ringing from outside. BREN: Were you not kissing Jane, then?
TONY: No. I was trying to get the plane tickets off her without you seeing. BREN: Then why were you worried about the Pennines? TONY: ’Cause this lot (points to band) were coming over from Yorkshire. BREN: I thought you didn’t like me anymore. TONY: Oh, shut up, man. the bells are heard again from outside. STAN: What the desert sand is that? stan leaves through the kitchen and the band starts playing ‘We Wish You A Merry Christmas’. BREN: So, are we not driving to Scotland? TONY: We’re flying. TWINKLE: You’re flying to Scotland? You’ll get rat-arsed. DOLLY: Thank you, Mother
Teresa.
John enters the room dressed as Father Christmas, ringing his bells. stan follows behind.
JOHN: I was shaking my bells for quite a long time. TONY: Have you written me a note? What is it? BREN: Oh, it’s nothing. TONY: What is it? tony tries to grab the note from Bren’s hands.
BREN: It’s nothing! they embrace lovingly.