If your new resolution is to learn Italian, you’ ll just nag us in Italian ...
THE SKETCH THE ROBBERS
SOME shows never change. Albert and Harold Steptoe didn’t look a day older in their last show than in the first, 11 years earlier. But the cast of Outnumbered seemed to grow up with every episode. Tyger Drew-Honey, Daniel Roche and Ramona Marquez played Jake, Ben and Karen — three very different children. Parents Pete and Sue (Hugh Dennis and Claire Skinner) were barely coping to begin with: now they were thoroughly outnumbered. And it didn’t help in 2009 when they came home at Christmas to discover their house had been burgled . . .
It’s Boxing Day — the family has been burgled, Karen is making New Year resolutions and sue and Jake have just returned from the shops. PETE: Is he all right? You look a bit... SUE: Yeah, I think you should sit down. He’s gone into shock. PETE: Wh-what happened? JAKE: Were the sales always like that? SUE: Oh yeah. JAKE: Just like rugby but played by old ladies. PETE: Did you get that CD player, yeah?
Jake sits at kitchen counter drinking from mug. JAKE: Well mum had the last one in her hand and then some old b***h snatched it. PETE: Jake! SUE: Sorry it’s my fault, I shouldn’t have called her that. sue goes to drink a glass of red wine. PETE: Sue! What?! It’s 11 in the morning SUE: Oh, it’s Christmas… it’s all right. she drinks the wine. Karen enters the kitchen.
KAREN: Mummy, I’ve made my New Year’ s resolutions. SUE: Oh, good! KAREN: I will not poke my fingers in the butter. SUE: Well I didn’t know you did that but good. KAREN: I will not chew my duvet. SUE: Excellent. KAREN: I will not call people idiots.
Very good. SUE: KAREN: Mummy will stop nagging me. SUE: Yeah… No, hang on. You can’t make resolutions for other people. KAREN: Mummy will stop giving me cabbage. SUE: No, no, you make resolutions for yourself.
Cut to Pete repairing banister, Ben is playing on the stairs.
BEN: Dad. PETE: Ahmm… BEN: You know our burglars? PETE: Well I don’t really think of them as our burglars . . . BEN: I’m really surprised they didn’t take my lucky pig skull. PETE: Mmm. BEN: Who wouldn’t want that? PETE: Yeah, exactly. I mean what were they thinking? Maybe they’ve already got one. BEN: I think it’d be worth £30,000 on eBay. PETE: Most cars don’t even cost that much, do they? BEN: Well, I only got £50 for our car on eBay. PETE: Yeah, well, we said we wouldn’t talk about that, didn’t we . . . that man was very annoyed.
Back in the kitchen, sue is cooking, Karen is watching from her seat at the island.
SUE: Karen, I will make a New Year’s resolution but I will choose my own.
KAREN: But your resolutions are rubbish! They’re always stuff like ‘I will eat less biscuits so I’ll get thinner’, or ‘I will learn Italian’. SUE: Ka . . .
KAREN: ( Interrupting) What we really need is for you to stop nagging. SUE: Don’t be so rude!
KAREN: See! Like then! Nagging!
SUE: I do not nag!
KAREN: You may learn Italian, but then you could just nag in Italian.
SUE: Could you stop banging on about me learning Italian. Anyway, how many resolutions have you got on there?
KAREN: 48.
SUE: And how many are for r you? KAREN: Some. sue checks the list.
SUE: Three!
Karen goes to hide under a blanket fort covered in toys and tinsel. Pete enters the kitchen. sue is still doing chores, Jake is sat at the island.
PETE: Ben can’t understand why the burglars didn’t take his piece of chewing gum that was spat out by Cesc Fabregas.
SUE: Well, I’m quite surprised they didn’t take Jake’s iPod because it was just sitting here on the counter.
PETE: No, well I think the mess might have worked d in our favour there.
SUE: It’s a bit odd they took the CD player and none of the CDs . . .
JAKE: Oh come on! Anyone who likes Phil Collins is gonna be way too old and feeble to get over our gate.
PETE: There’s Oasis, Coldplay — that came out last year!
JAKE: You have no idea, do you? SUE: Well they could’ve taken the CDs and sold them.
JAKE: Yeah, like anyone buys CDs nowadays.
PETE: Well, some people do. Some people acquire their music legally. JAKE: Here we go.
PETE: That downloading you did is basically theft. JAKE: Yeah, but everyone else does it! SUE: Just because everyone else does it doesn’t make it OK! JAKE: I knew you were going to say that . . .
PETE: All right, look now, I’ve downloaded a claim form online. Amazingly, I’ve found some receipts and our total loss is £302.59. SUE: Right, what’s the excess?
PETE: It’s going to be £300, isn’t it? SUE: Erm. Yep.
PETE: Thank you Father Christmas.
Ben’s arm is stuck behind the radiator. BEN: I can’t get it out from behind the radiator! PETE: Yeah, yeah. It’s that yellow dinosaur auntie Jeanne gave him. BEN: It’s really stuck!
PETE: I’ll have another go with a skewer in a moment.
JAKE: I think it’s his arm that’s stuck.
PETE: I’ll have another go with a skewer in a moment.
BEN: Oww! I can’t get it out! Ow!
Pete goes over to the radiator.
KAREN: You shouldn’t be trying to rescue Ben’s stupid dinosaur, you should be trying to rescue Rusty. He’s not a toy, he’s a living hamster.
Karen emerges from under the blanket fort.
PETE: Come on Ben. If you got it in you must be able to get it out. Ease. Ease, it out! There! KAREN: I was supposed to look after him! He’s our class hamster and I had a duty of care.
PETE: Yeah, well it’s stuck under the floor, I’m not going to rip up all the floorboards.
KAREN: You’d rip up all the floorboards if Ben was stuck under there.
PETE: Well . . . we did. KAREN: But what if a puppy was trapped?
PETE: Well then I might rip the floor up, yeah, but I’m not . . . KAREN: How about a porpoise?
PETE: It’s very unlikely that a porpoise . . .
KAREN: Yes, but what if a porpoise was stuck?
PETE: OK Karen, I promise that if a porpoise is ever trapped under the floor, I will rescue it. KAREN: I’m going to write that down. SUE: Car keys. Car keys.
Ben pokes a dinosaur out from under the blanket fort. sue walks into the kitchen.
SUE: I’m headed off to get Dad soon, you haven’t forgotten Jane’s coming at one, have you?
PETE: I just wish you’d mentioned it to me before you invited her for lunch, that’s all. SUE: Well, little Alexis is spending Christmas with her dad and so Jane’s on her own, and I don’t think she’s got any friends.
PETE: Yeah, well there’s a reason for that . . . SUE: Oh, it’ll be fine, it’ll be good! It’ll be like the Christmases I remember, it’ll be open house, people dropping in, lots of noise.
PETE: Noise of Jane moaning . . .
SUE: Oh, Pete . . .
PETE: Well you know, she will come round here and she will bang on about her terrible life and her horrible ex-husband and . . .
SUE: What is it with you and Christmas? She’s my friend! I want to . . .
PETE: It’s bad enough having to see our family without seeing friends as well!
Karen pokes her head out of the blanket fort.
KAREN: Ben’s not allowed in, he’s not a proper asylum seeker. And also he’s not wearing any pants under his trousers.
Ben comes out of the blanket fort.
SUE: Ben! Put some pants on!
Ben mutters under his breath as he leaves the kitchen. BEN: What is it with adults and pants . . .
PETE: So how many Christmas presents is that broken now?
SUE: Erm . . . Six! By noon on Boxing Day. I think we’ve beaten last year’s record.