Tell Santa he can park Rudolph in the pigsty
THE SKETCH SILLY, BUT IT’S FUN
WHEN writers John Esmonde and Bob Larbey launched The Good Life on BBC1 in 1975, all their attention was on Richard Briers and Felicity Kendal as suburban couple Tom and Barbara who turn their backs on the rat race to become selfsufficient, living off the produce from their garden. Tom’s former boss and next-door neighbour, Jerry, was played by Paul Eddington, but his wife Margo barely featured in the pilot at all. It was only when Esmonde and Larbey found themselves a couple of minutes short of material that they decided to give Margo a scene of her own, talking to a friend over the phone. Actress Penelope Keith made Margo so deliciously snobbish and haughty that a star was born on the spot — and Margo quite literally stole the show.
It’s Barbara Christmas have been Eve. happily tom and making their own decorations, before visiting the Leadbetters next door, where tension is high. Jerry’s arrived home from work to find Margo rowing with a delivery driver. JERRY: I’m not snapping Margo, I simply asked you what you were doing in that van.
Jerry enters the living room. JERRY: What is Margo doing in that van? TOM: She’s sending your Christmas back, it’s not up to specification. JERRY: Don’t talk to me about Christmas.
Barbara directs Jerry towards the couch and sits him down. BARBARA: Oh come along Jerry, you’re just tired. Now look, you sit down there. There you are. Gin and tonic for Jerry, Tom. Come along now, shoes off.
Barbara takes off Jerry’s shoes. BARBARA: There you are. JERRY: Thank you very much, Barbara. You understand. BARBARA: Of course I do, there. Merry Christmas. tom hands Jerry his G&t and Barbara kisses Jerry on the cheek. JERRY: No, I know, I know. I sound like Scrooge.
TOM: I don’t know what’s the matter with you, you know, I really don’t. You’ve all assembled in the hall at work and the headmaster said, ‘Have a nice holiday, boys,’ and you’ve all shouted back, ‘ Same to you, Sir’. Now you’re home, it’s Christmas Eve, and you’ve got five solid days of abusing your digestive system ahead of you. What more could you want?
JERRY: Half a pound of peace and quiet. BARBARA: Well, you could order that from Harrods.
JERRY: (sighs) If only you could. It’s gonna be one paralysing round of socialising. Do you realise I’ve got to put up with a mass of music society and pony club people on Christmas Day?
TOM: Well, you could have a mounted sing-song.
JERRY: And on Boxing Day it’s the Rotary Club-do.
BARBARA: All spinning around. JERRY: The day after that it’s everybody down to the Blairs at Cheltenham. Cheltenham, for God’s sake. Same crowd every Christmas, we just stand about in different rooms, boring each other to death. tom laughs. Margo enters the living room and closes the door.
MARGO: It’s just as well I did check that order. I mean, do I look as though I drink milk stout?
Margo greets Jerry and blows him a kiss. JERRY: Margo.
Margo pulls out a notepad and starts checking off items from her list as Jerry answers her questions.
MARGO: Now, did you remember to send the flowers to Aunt Claire, whose present we forgot at the last moment? JERRY: Yes.
MARGO: Did you check on the roadworks on the M4 for Cheltenham? JERRY: Yes.
MARGO: Did you tell Steven and Maria that we shall have a spare goose on Boxing Day, should they want one? JERRY: Yes!
MARGO: I wouldn’t have thought it possible to inject so much bile into such a simple word as yes.
JERRY: Well, I’m fed up with all these blasted arrangements. More like a NATO conference than Christmas.
Jerry hands his drink to tom and gets up. JERRY: I’m going to have a bath.
Jerry and Margo leave the room and continue their spat on the way out. MARGO: Well thank you very much, Jerry. Whilst you are indulging yourself with a bath, you might remember who’s left to make all the arrangements. JERRY: Yeah, me. MARGO: It’s not! TOM: (to Barbara) Come on, Boss Eyes. I think we’re superfluous. uperfluous. BARBARA: All right,
Bald Ears. tom takes a sip from Jerry’s drink, but Barbara grabs him by the ear and drags him out of the room. We now see Barbara in her kitchen decorating a potted plant. tom yells at her from the e outside. TOM: Barbara, are e you in the kitchen? BARBARA: No, I’m m just going upstairs.
Barbara hides behind the kitchen counter before tom enters the room holding a box. tom tries to hide the box in a cupboard, but Barbara jumps up and surprises him from behind. BARBARA: Gotcha! TOM: Don’t do that! BARBARA: (Giggling) There’s my present, isn’t it? Oh, I want my present now. Give me my present now!
Barbara tries to grab the box while tom desperately tries to keep her from opening it. TOM: Not your present. BARBARA: Well, it doesn’t matter if I look at it then, does it?
TOM: It’s got to be a surprise. BARBARA: Oh, it is my present! TOM: No, leave it, you’re bending it! No, leave it! No, don’t! Leave it! Now leave it. Leave it. As a matter of fact, they were some crackers I made for tomorrow. BARBARA: Oh. Well, you shouldn’t have told me. You should’ve kept them as a surprise. TOM: What do you think I was trying to do? BARBARA: sorry.
Tom places the box on the table and opens it up to show Barbara what’s inside. Barbara
grabs one of the crackers and Tom snatches it from her hands. BARBARA: Hmm, they’re not small.
TOM: No, they’re not small, no. They’re in proportion to the tubes in the middle, you see. And the tubes in the middle are the tubes in the middle of a toilet roll. BARBARA: Love! TOM: Yeah, and the colour supplement makes it colourful, you see?
Barbara takes another cracker f from the box and starts shaking it next to her ear. Tom f frantically grabs it from her hand. BARBARA: What’s inside? TOM: don’t shake it! That might be the one with the Faberge egg in it. BARBARA: Homemade, of course? TOM: Of course. Blimey, if I can make crackers, I can certainly knock up a bit of Faberge. BARBARA: Paper hats? TOM: Yes. BARBARA: mottos and riddles? TOM: Yes. BARBARA: Clean? TOM: Fairly. There’s only one snag about these. BARBARA: What’s that? TOM: They don’t go ‘bang!’. BARBARA: matter, does Oh, it? well, We’ll that just have doesn’t to shout ‘bang!’ when we pull them. Yeah. TOM: ‘Bang!’ Yeah, that’s Yeah. a good idea.
Barbara grabs a book and puts on her glasses while Tom goes over to the stove. TOM: Would you like a drop of cowslip? BARBARA: mmm.
Barbara sits down on a chair and opens the book on her lap. TOM: Oh, if you’re writing to Father Christmas, tell him he can park his reindeer in the pigsty if he’d like. BARBARA: No, I’m just totting up what Christmas has cost us.
Tom hands Barbara a drink. TOM: Oh dear, yes, of course. It’s got very commercial, hasn’t it? BARBARA: Terribly. TOM: Yeah, well let me sit down first.
Tom grabs a chair and places it next to Barbara. TOM: Now then. Right, what’s the total? BARBARA: 15p. TOM: What was that for? BARBARA: The balloons! TOM: Oh, yes, yes. They are a necessity. Yes, they are, yeah. Ha, I wonder how much Jerry and margo’s Christmas cost. BARBARA: Quite a lot, judging by the size of that van. TOM: Yeah. Plus the cost of reinforcing their table to take the weight of all that booze and grub. BARBARA: mmm, and a few new dresses for margo so she can say, ‘Oh, this old thing?’ when people ask.
TOM: Yes, the e
LsO [ London on Symphony Orchestra] chesany to accompany the carol singers.
BARBARA: Tranquillisers for Jerry. TOM: Now, that’s his own fault, I’m sorry. Either a man is master in his own house, or he’s not.
BARBARA: You’re not. TOM: I was talking about Jerry. BARBARA: Well, I should think they’d bring the whole thing in for under £50,000.
TOM: mmm. Whereas we can have a self-sufficient Christmas for a bit of effort and 15p. BARBARA: I bet it’s just as good, too.
TOM: Well, of course it will be. Of course it will be. Except we can’t afford a turkey or Christmas pudding pud or whisky or brandy or a firkin of ale or chocolates or cigars or a really nice ni present. BARB
BARBARA: Oh, shut up. TO TOM: I mean, a spare sp goose! margo actually said that she had a spare sp goose. BA BARBARA: do I detect de a touch of envy, env green- eyed Tiny Tim?
TOM: No, no. Not really, no. n I mean, they might have a spare goose, but let’s face it, they’ve got the th giant i t mrs dooms-Patterson arriving. she’ll probably swallow it in one go! Barbara laughs.
TOM: Come on, then. The sooner you get you to bed, the sooner santa will arrive. BARBARA: mmm. Right-ho.
Tom and Barbara get up and get ready to leave the kitchen.
BARBARA: Oh, your cotton-wool beard and red flannel coms are in the bottom drawer, by the way. TOM: You mean you know it’s me? BARBARA: Remembering last Christmas Eve, it had better be.