Haunted by terror of losing my mum

DEAR BEL

I HAVE been struggling with this problem for nearly a year and can’t seem to find a solution.

My father died almost eight years ago and I miss him every day — but he was a raging alcoholic so his death was going to come at some point. I would say our relationship at the end was more like that of two friends rather than that of father and daughter.

Five years ago my grandmother died and I loved her with every fibre of my being. She is the person I want to be ‘when I grow up’.

Her husband, my grandad, died a year ago. When I was a child he always seemed aloof but I realise now that this was just a generational thing and he was the most honourable man I have ever known. My mum is now the oldest left in the next generation and I cannot get over that. By the law of averages she is the next to die and I just can’t get past that thought. It colours every waking thought and I have panic attacks daily about it.

I know it’s ridiculous. Anyone could die at any point but I just can’t see my life past my mother’s.

I’m not talking about contemplating suicide or anything like that, just making the simple point that I cannot visualise existence when my mother is no longer in the world.

I know this is extremely selfish on my part. My mum has done her bit. She has raised me to adulthood and now it is my responsibility to live on — but my entire life at the moment is consumed with thoughts of her dying.

Do you have any advice for me? SARA

MY fIRST response is disquiet that a healthy woman ( I assume) should spend hours worry - ing about death and having ‘panic attacks’ at the thought of the grim reaper knocking on her mother’s door.

This odd obsession has taken over your life. It isn’t healthy.

Something must lie behind this. I wonder if your father’s ‘ raging’ alcoholism and the fact that you had to take on a nurturing role instead of being supported by him, and his inevitable demise hanging over the family , might have become one of those traumas people remain unaware of and therefore fail to process.

It might explain why you still ‘miss him every day’. Not that there is anything wrong with such grief, but I would have expected you to have come to terms with the loss by now.

But then you were rocked by other deaths — your beloved grandmother then your grandfather . These hit you hard, I suggest, as your father’s death had left you so vulnerable.

Did you ever have grief counselling? Bereavement charity Cruse ( cruse.org.

uk, 0808 808 1677) can be a great help. But what now? If you carry on like this, consumed with dread at the thought of your mother’s death, you are commit - ting a great wrong — as good as visualising the end of her life every day.

It’s as if you are giving the grim reaper a free pass — and really you must control it. for her sake.

By morbidly fixating on what life might be like after her death, you effectively place yourself and your imagined grief and helplessness at the centre of the narrative.

You call this ‘selfish ’ — and I have to agree. And I also applaud your insight when you write, ‘ now it is my responsibility to live’.

But what can you do about it? I wish I had more information to set your angst within the context of your life. I hope you read last Saturday’s letter from ‘Jane’, whose life is filled with sadness yet who could write, ‘When I feel myself wobbling, I shout out: ‘ Courage! Integrity!! HUMOUR!!!”

Jane told how she has tried so hard to keep her problems at bay by volunteering and travelling solo. A good idea, yes?

Only you can take back control of your doom-laden thoughts. I suggest you consider ways of making your life fuller , richer and more selfless.

Many charities and hospitals need volunteers. You are ‘ grown up’ now — and I bet your wonderful grandmother would want you to embrace a busier , more fulfilling life.