How dare my friend date my ex!

TheRe are certain nuggets of folk wisdom which last for centuries because of the fundamental truth expressed. For example, in 1546, at england’s Tudor court, the question was asked: ‘Wolde ye bothe eat your cake and have (or keep) your cake?’

The Czechs say: ‘You can’t sit on two chairs at the same time.’ But the Germans prefer: ‘ You can’t dance at two weddings at the same time.’

Across the Indian continent they say: ‘ You can’t hold one sweet in both your hands.’ While the French advise you not to want the butter

and the money you used to buy it. In the Dutch Caribbean, the creole language Papiamento is admirably succinct. It translates as: ‘Choose — or let choose.’ Are you getting my point? Cathy, there’s much I’d like to discover, mainly whether it was you who moved your ‘ great marriage’ towards its amicable end after meeting your new love. It’s what my instinct is telling me — although, of course, I could be mistaken.

It would also be interesting to know how long your ex has been alone, comforted all the while by your friendship and that hope that he ‘would find love again’.

It might well have been quite pleasant to be happy with a new man while knowing your husband still cherished feelings for you that seemed to prevent him starting a new relationship.

You might consider my tone just a bit on the dry side. This is because I have a deep- seated resistance to the idea that anybody ‘owns’ anybody else — particularly once they are no longer committed.

Oh, believe me, from experience I know it can be hard, and a moment of sadness is understandable. But I think your sense of indignation and ‘betrayal’ is a step too far and must be controlled.

You ask: ‘Is it too much to expect that people generally refrain from dating their friends’ exes?’ I’m sure readers will have different views.

But I can only say that if you genuinely care for a person (as you maintain you do for your ex), what matters is that they find happiness. If that happens to be in the company of somebody you know to be a good person, that is all the more cause for celebration. After all, he might have fallen in love with a stranger you detest.

Your question could be turned round: ‘Is it too selfish to expect my friend not to date my ex?’

Or: ‘Is it unreasonably possessive to expect my friend to turn her back on happiness because I still want my ex to care for me?’ My answer to both is ‘Yes’. You see, you chose not to continue with the marriage, so now it is his right to choose to love where he wishes.

I suggest you come to terms with this situation and grow bigger than your ‘sense of betrayal’. Do this for yourself, even if it means putting on a performance. Act with dignity and wish for them both the happiness that you currently enjoy — or else I fear you will lose two friends.