Being a gran has stirred up old grief

DEAR BEL,

THIRTY-six years ago I gave birth to twin boys. At just eight months I found my easy blond boy dead. No reason was found.

Fast forward to the present, and my daughter has a lovely blond son, now nine months old. But all the pain and grief which I had boxed away has surged back. I am hoping that as he grows he will come to look more like his father’s family.

We are delighted to have a baby in the family again. But I feel sad and depressed. I can’t tell anyone as I don’t want to spoil things. CYNTHIA

FIRST let me say how sad I feel that the happy arrival of a beautiful baby boy should have opened your old wound — a scar never healed, just covered over by time.

Although I’ve never received a letter quite the same as yours, I have had many which involve an old sadness being triggered by something in the present.

Grief can no more be ‘ boxed away’ than we can tell the clouds not to bring rain. Your short email (containing so little information about the intervening years, including your relationship with your living twin son) is about just such a jolt to your innermost self, especially as your grandson resembles the baby who died.

It’s very important that we start by you taking some deep breaths and accepting that your reaction is normal.

Thirty-six years ago, you probably did not receive the help you needed to process your grief. But even if you had got expert counselling from then until now, there is no guarantee that the arrival of your blond baby grandson would not have caused a confusing mixture of joy and pain.

And fear. Even if your grandson had been a funny little dark-haired scrap, I suspect you would have been terrified (especially as the eight-month point came) that something would go terribly wrong once again.

I am sure you felt guilty all those years ago, because somehow you failed to keep your son alive. Now you are feeling guilty for allowing your old grief to get in the way of your love for your grandson. You must understand that none of it is your fault.

I honestly do not believe it would ‘ spoil’ anything for you to whisper to your daughter, as you hold your grandson: ‘He’s so beautiful and I’m so happy, yet a part of me feels sad because he reminds me so much of my (your baby’s name).’

Let it be spoken, just the once. I hope she will give you a hug and understand. And that then you can allow your love for this baby boy to grow, as he develops into the unique person he is, bringing the whole family joy.