He’s envious of your shiny new life

STEPH SAYS:

I ADMIRE you for writing to us about a topic that sadly is common for early retirees. You have created a new life for yourself post-retirement, full of purpose and friendship, but your husband is floundering.

I’m not remotely surprised you’re frustrated by your husband’s lack of enthusiasm for his new freedom, but I am sympathetic to his plight, too.

You shouldn’t have to tiptoe around your husband for fear of upsetting him, but I do counsel you to tread carefully here. The priority is to defuse a potentially painful situation by showing each other respect and love.

Your husband is potentially suffering from one of two problems. You say he ‘mopes’, but I suspect there are signs of genuine depression, too.

His irritability, lack of interest in your news and general reluctance to get up and involve himself in life are all red flags.

Men of his generation often are defined by the work they do — many of us feel our work defines our personality, social standing, wealth and success. When work ends, morale, self- esteem and pride are often casualties.

It’s not unreasonable in those circumstances to ask yourself some hard questions: Who am I now I don’t work?

If you think your husband may be suffering from depression, it is essential that he is assessed by professionals. Persuade him to see your GP. If he is reluctant, tell him how worried you are, which may shock him into making an appointment for himself.

Before you panic, though, it is also entirely possible that what he is feeling is not depression, but envy. He may be utterly terrified that your shiny new life is leaving him behind. He may be wondering who on earth this popular, dynamic and confident woman is, and hoping against hope that this new life doesn’t take you away from him.

So how does one resolve such a mismatch? I would advise that you start to treat your marriage as a brand new relationship. You say you resent his behaviour, but his happiness is still your number one priority.

So ensure he is involved with everything you plan to do socially over the next couple of weeks. He must be the first person you think of when you make arrangements, just as you did in those heady first years.

Then, I would gently steer him in the direction of something that will give him back his selfbelief. He needs to feel needed and valuable.

There are websites dedicated to matching volunteers with all sorts of good causes. I believe this is the key here — that he is in control of his life choices again. In time I am sure you will both flourish and find a new and exciting way to live this next stage of your lives.