Working out? Well, I did pick up a KitKat . . .
YOU WANT
To keep abreast of the coronavirus news, hour by hour
YOU’D SETTLE FOR
One coronavirus bulletin an evening
YOU GET
Caught up watching the first three minutes of Channel 4 News before switching over to a repeat of Celebrity Antiques Road Trip, starring Diddy David Hamilton and a lady you don’t recognise who apparently used to be on Emmerdale.
YOU WANT
Aneurin Bevan
YOU’D SETTLE FOR
Jeremy Hunt
YOU GET
Matt Hancock
YOU WANT
To teach your husband and children to play bridge, so that you can all enjoy playing it together
YOU’D SETTLE FOR
Teaching your husband and children to play cribbage, so that you can all enjoy playing it together.
YOU GET
A round of snap before your son says ‘This is SO BORING!’ and returns to playing Robot Candy Smash on his mobile.
YOU WANT
To read Henry James
YOU’D SETTLE FOR
Reading P.D. James
YOU END UP
Reading E.L. James
YOU WANT
To perform ten pushups, ten jumping jacks and ten jump squats in quick succession
YOU’D SETTLE FOR
Performing five push-ups, five jumping jacks and five jump squats in slow succession.
YOU GET
Out of your chair with a groan, walk to the kitchen, pick up a KitKat, and return to your chair, sighing ‘Oof!’ as you sit down.
YOU WANT
To teach yourself to cartwheel
YOU’D SETTLE FOR
Teaching yourself to juggle
YOU GET
Halfway through a YouTube video called How To Touch Your Toes before collapsing in a heap.
YOU WANT
To channel the wartime spirit
YOU’D SETTLE FOR
Channelling a glass of spirits
YOU GET
On your hands and knees and rustle around for the bottle of Dubonnet you’re sure you put somewhere in the back of the kitchen cupboard four or five years ago, but you can’t find it so you settle for water from the tap.
YOU WANT
To arrange all your books in alphabetical order
YOU’D SETTLE FOR
Arranging your books in any sort of order
YOU GET
Bored somewhere between the letters D and E and leave them all in a great heap on the floor.
YOU WANT
A three-course meal at the best restaurant in town
YOU’D SETTLE FOR
A one-course meal at the worst restaurant in town.
YOU GET
Crosse & Blackwell Baked Beans on toast without butter because at the last minute you discover you’ve run out of butter.
YOU WANT
To revive the long-lost art of conversation
YOU’D SETTLE FOR
A few minutes’ chat about last night’s telly
YOU GET
Into a heated row about exactly whose turn it is to do the dishes
YOU WANT
All your neighbours to put their heads out of their windows and join in a rousing chorus from La Traviata
YOU’D SETTLE FOR
All your neighbours putting their heads out of their windows and joining in a doleful chorus of God Save The Queen.
YOU GET
The fat neighbour next-doorbut-one singing My Way off-key and another neighour, three down, screaming back ‘Shut it! Some of us are trying to get to sleep!’
YOU WANT
To clear out the garage for the first time in 15 years
YOU’D SETTLE FOR
Clearing out enough space in the garage to let you peer inside the door
YOU GET
Hit on the head by a cardboard box full of old newspapers and decide to put off the whole project until the current crisis has passed.