THE MUTTON -HEADED OLD MUGWUMP, KER-SPLONKED!
That’s the delicious epitaph of Jeremy Corbyn, based on the colourful collection of insults from the Prime Minister over the years – as revealed in our second extract from a hog whimperingly entertaining new ‘Borisaurus’ by the Mail’s own SIMON WALTERS
ON SATURDAY, we published our first extract from Simon Walters’ hilarious new book on Boris Johnson’s unique way with English, exploring how the Prime Minister uses unfamiliar words to surprise, delight and bamboozle. Today, in the final part, we reveal some of the strangest, cleverest and rudest ‘Borisisms’ so far recorded... ARYAN BULL PIG
‘You can call me an Armenian chicken farmer or an Aryan bull pig, but don’t call me incompetent.’ Response to student magazine attack on his bid to be President of the Oxford Union, 1982.
Johnson’s family has roots in Turkey, which included Armenia in the days of the Ottoman Empire. The magazine also said he was a ‘pig, the victim of a hideous Nazi war experiment’.
BOONDOGGLE
‘It is known to the politico-journalistic class as a junket, jolly, freebie or boondoggle; and which is classified, for the benefit of irritable taxpayers, as a conference.’ On an Anglo-Italian conference in Venice. Daily Telegraph, March 11, 2004.
Noun: wasteful project; a term originating in 1930s America.
CHIP-O-RAMA
Stop this chip-o-rama rubbish!’ Reply to a Labour MP’s complaint that top universities take too many old Etonians. House of Commons, March 15, 2007.
Borisism, noun. Based on the proverb ‘having a chip on one’s shoulder’ — a grudge or sense of entitlement. In 19th-century North America, when two men were in dispute, a chip of wood would be placed on the shoulder of one and the other would try to knock it off.
CURSUS HONORUM
‘My ambition silicon chip has been programmed to try to scramble up this cursus honorum, this ladder of things.’ On political ambition. Desert Island Discs, Radio 4, October 30, 2005.
Noun: the ascending order of public offices; from Latin ‘course of honours’.
ENDOCRINE ORCHESTRA
‘She was blonde. She was beautiful… And she had just overtaken me… I wasn’t having it. If there is one thing calculated to make the testosterone slosh in your ears like the echoing sea… it’s being treated as though you were an old woman by a young woman… The whole endocrine orchestra said: “Go. Take.” ’ On driving an Alfa Romeo. From his book Life In The Fast Lane, 2007.
Borisism, noun. The endocrine glands produce hormones.
EPIPHYTES
‘When you hear Matthew Pinsent speaking, you feel your littleness. What are we politicians and journalists? Just... epiphytes upon our national culture.’ On the Olympic rowing champion
GIBBERING RICTUS
You feel as if your buttocks have been suddenly clamped by the leather seat… My face was being pushed back into a gibbering rictus as the G-forces kicked in…’ On the experience of driving extremely fast. From Life In The Fast Lane, 2007.
Noun. open-mouthed with fear.
GUPPYGATE
‘You don’t know about Guppygate and you don’t care? Good. Let’s leave it at that. It is a tale told by an idiot, signifying nothing.’ On being quizzed over a secretly recorded plot in 1990 to supply a fellow Old Etonian, convicted fraudster Darius Guppy, with the contact details of a journalist so he could have him beaten up. Friends, Voters, Countrymen, 2001.
HOG WHIMPERING
‘Deep down, because of some peculiarity in our psyche, we think it rather admirable to get bladdered, leathered, rat-arsed and otherwise hog whimpering drunk.’ On the attitude of the British to alcohol. Daily Telegraph, August 11, 2005.
Adjective: extreme drunkenness; from American English, ‘ enough alcohol to make a hog whimper’.
HYPOTHALAMUS
‘Somewhere in my endocrine system something gave a little squirt — adrenal gland, pituitary, hypothalamus, and pow, I could feel myself being
transformed from this shy, spotty, swotty nerd.’ On hearing the 1981 Rolling Stones song Start Me Up as a teen. From his book The Spirit Of London, 2012.
noun. Part of the brain that stimulates sex drive via the endocrine system and pituitary gland.
HOTTENTOT
‘The chap always says, “I am now going to call upon soand-so to say a few words”, and then for an anarchic moment you think, which words shall I say — hottentot? Axolotl? Carminative? — and how few can I get away with?’ Boast about his speech-making. Friends, Voters, Countrymen, 2001.
noun. term used by the dutch in the 17th century to refer to the khoikoi, a nomadic tribe in Southern Africa. Axolotl, noun: nea rextinct amphibian found in Mexico. Carminative, adjective/noun: drug that relieves flatulence; from the latin carminativum, a herb used to cure wind.
KER-SPLONKED
‘Nothing excites compassion, in friend and foe alike, as much as the sight of you ker-splonked on the Tarmac with your propeller buried six feet under.’ After he was fired from the Tory front bench for lying about his affair with Petronella Wyatt. Daily Telegraph, December 2, 2004.
Borisism, verb. humiliated; variation of ‘kerplunk’, the thud of something landing; also a game.
MAENADS
‘A woman was sitting opposite me in a state of some dishevelment. She was extremely good-looking and had a tattoo of a butterfly on her bosom, but she was pretty far gone. Not since Pentheus was ripped limb from limb by the maenads have we seen such drink-fuelled aggression from the female sex.’ Criticising Labour plans to liberalise drinking laws, after he was threatened in a pub in Carlisle. Daily Telegraph, August 11, 2005. noun. drunken woman; Maenad, ‘raving one’, from greek mainesthai ‘to rave’; Maenads were the female followers of dionysus, the Ancient greek god of wine. they would get into a state of ecstatic frenzy from drinking alcohol.
PANTHER
‘I’m like a greased panther, a coiled spring.’ Joking about taking part in a charity England v Germany football match. His performance included barging headfirst into a German player’s stomach. Sky News, May 3, 2006.
Borisism.
POULE DE LUXE
‘I twanged the Winged Victory… as one might twang a tentative bra strap. Was there any of us who would not be affected by the beauty of the burred walnut fascia, the white leather seats as soft as the purse of some Saudi poule de luxe?’ On driving a Rolls-Royce. Life In The Fast Lane, 2007. noun. French poule ‘hen’, slang for prostitute; poule de luxe, expensive prostitute.
REINCARNATED AS AN OLIVE
‘my chances of being Pm are about as good as the chances of finding elvis on mars, or my being reincarnated as an olive.’ The Independent, 2004.
Borisism.
SANDPAPERED
‘I mildly sandpapered something somebody said.’ On making up a quote about Edward II for an article in The Times in 1988. The Andrew Marr Show, BBC One, March 4, 2013.
Borisism, verb. to smooth over.
SWANKPOT JOURNALISTS
‘The world ought not to be run by swankpot journalists, showing off and kicking politicians around…’ On why he entered politics. Friends, Voters, Countrymen, 2001.
Borisism. to ‘swank’ can mean to behave ostentatiously.
THRUMMING
‘my realistic chances of becoming Prime minister are only slightly better than my chances of being decapitated by a Frisbee, blinded by a champagne cork, locked in a disused fridge… I’m 47 now. I hear the thrumming roar of young men in a hurry. And young women, obviously.’ Hay Literary Festival, June 3, 2012. verb. Continuous rhythmic humming sound.
ZIGGURATS
‘It would be wonderful if people were attracted by the cradle of civilisation, the ziggurats at Ur and the hanging gardens of Babylon.’ Calling for the return of tourism to Iraq in a Westminster Hall debate. May 26, 2004. noun. Ancient temple built in what is modern-day Iraq.