Tell him your poor body is tired

STEPH SAYS:

haVIng a deep yearning to have a child and not being able to become a parent must surely be one of the hardest things to accept. You have my deepest respect and admiration for having done so.

IVF treatment is very taxing on both your body and your hearts, and having gone through five rounds is shockingly brave — particularly as each round sadly ended in disappointment. not forgetting to mention that £37,000 is a lifetime of savings.

I also think that the partner of the patient is just as tortured by the emotional rollercoaster that IVF puts you through.

You are both very committed parents-to-be — there can be no clearer signal that you both want a child very badly.

however, I believe you have reached the correct and desperately painful conclusion that it’s time to accept this process is not working and that you must let that dream go. I equally understand how your husband is finding it so very hard to reach the same conclusion.

however, it sounds as if he’s become somewhat obsessed and will not stop trying to reach his goal, all very admirable if the cause is one that can be achieved.

While I haven’t been through IVF myself, I have been close to the process so I do know how relentlessly difficult it can be.

Five cycles is more than most are able to withstand, and it seems to me that, if it hasn’t worked by now, it is unlikely to.

Your husband’s belief that the next time will be the ‘one’ that works doesn’t sound like a very healthy or rational approach to me. I feel that he has lost himself entirely to the process and that this is almost a way of life for him.

So, you must be firm with him now, for your sake and for his. I would advise you to tell him that you have accepted that you are destined not to have your own biological child.

Explain to him how exhausted your body is and you refuse (strong word I know, but I feel it has to be) to continue to place such a strain on it — and on your emotions. tell him that this has taken over your lives and you feel it is damaging your marriage.

I think it would be worth reminding him that this does not necessarily mean you cannot have your own family — there are a variety of options out there that you can redirect his focus to.

ask him to help you find what your options are, placing some degree of responsibility in his hands. this should give him purpose and a way forward

It is unlikely that he will give up the fight, so let him redirect that vision. Your IVF cycles are seen as a failure and he needs to realise this is not a game to be won or lost; this is bringing a child into your world for you both to love and cherish.

Be resolute and clear. You have to take control of this now and put both of you out of your misery. You married for better and for worse. I hope that your worse is over and that the better days start now.