Ephraim Hardcastle
FORMER US ambassador Lord Darroch, forced to resign after Donald Trump’s fury at being described as ‘inept’ in leaked cables, now says he didn’t attack Trump personally, adding: ‘Those were very selective quotes from a letter that was quite lengthy and thoughtful. I also said... I thought Trump was like the Terminator, in the way that he could come through setbacks unscathed.’
HIS successor, Dame Karen Pierce, has had an inauspicious start. She arrived in Washington on the last flight before Trump banned arrivals from Britain. Then she spent her first two weeks quarantined at the embassy residence.
PRINCE Charles looks set to retain his Court Circular title as busiest royal after pipping sister Anne to the post last year (521 v 506). Covid isolation has suspended activity, with Charles on 99 and Anne on 69. William lags on 50 engagements and Kate totted up 41 before lockdown.
WITH Justin Welby celebrating Easter communion from his kitchen on Radio 4 and churches locked, one retired bishop suggests that when the doors reopen the Prayer for the Church Militant might need to be renamed for the Church Quivering.
CHARLES Saatchi’s squeeze Trinny Woodall, pictured, entertains fans with Instagram videos boasting: ‘I’ve done one or two live naked on the bottom half.’ Pass the smelling salts, Charlie!
BOB Dylan mourns folk singer John Prine, a coronavirus victim, remembering playing harmonica in Greenwich Village’s Bottom Line club when John sang about a Vietnam veteran-turned-junkie called Sam Stone. Bob hailed the punchline – ‘There’s a hole in Daddy’s arm where all the money goes, and Jesus Christ died for nothing I suppose’ – as one of the most evocative in the canon of popular songs as social commentary. ‘Nobody but John could have written that,’ he said.
APPALLED that his new pet dachshund had been named Nigel Farage by the Kennel Club, anti-Brexiteer Simon Kelner asks for suggestions for an appropriate pro-EEC name, finally opting for Leonard. Why so? ‘Leonard Cohen was a committed Europhile,’ he bafflingly explains.
NELSON Mandela’s fitness regime during his 18 years on Robben Island provides inspiration for current keep-fit isolationists. Beginning at 5am with 45 minutes running on the spot followed by 100 fingertip push ups, 200 sit ups, 50 deep knee bends and calisthenic exercises, Nelson would then be taken to the limestone quarry to smash rocks into gravel with a heavy hammer. He lived to be 95.
MIKE Tindall tries to guess the weight of a waiter by throwing him over his shoulder for an inane TV gameshow called I’ll Get This. If he tried that with his mother-in-law Princess Anne, he’d be limping for a week.