Dear Megs and Harry, don’t worry about us...

( BECAUSE WE’RE REALLY NOT WORRIED ABOUT YOU )

FIRST of all: how

are you both? I know no one ever asks, so I thought it best just to check. After all, it must be so hard for you, stuck in Los Angeles in rented accommodation with only Ellen DeGeneres and beyonce for company.

We all know how stressful moving house can be, and getting on the property ladder is never easy for a young couple like you.

All those million-dollar mansions with their terrible Californian decor to traipse around, not to mention all those tiresome nondisclosure agreements to organise (can’t have the pool guy shooting his mouth off), plus the constant worry that one of those clumsy british taxpayer-funded bodyguards might scald himself on your take- out coffee while protecting baby Archewell™ from marauding fans. I feel your pain.

Still, it must be so much better than being holed up in that dingy little cottage in Windsor (which all those pesky british taxi drivers and cleaners and nurses paid millions to have done up), next door to the aged relative who won’t even let you use the title she gave you, let alone give you permission to borrow Elton’s jet.

by the way, it was her birthday yesterday: 94, quite an age for a woman, maybe not something one necessarily wants to draw too much attention to.

PERHAPS that’s why, in your characteristically selfless manner, you decided to draw the spotlight back on yourselves. you are right, of course, about the newspapers: it is unacceptable for millions of readers to want to know what’s going on in your lives.

I mean, honestly: just because they pay for your security, stumped up tens of millions for your wedding and bunged you a couple more to do up Froggers does not give them the right, does it?

but enough about you (for now). I suppose you may be wondering how we’re all doing back here in blighty, which would be so typically kind and generous of you as it’s a well-known fact that you rarely think of yourselves these days, what with all the charity work and, of course, those elephants you’re so ‘connected’ with. Well, you know, it’s a bit up and down if I’m honest.

Not sure if you’re aware — although, Harry, I think you touched on it the other day in one of your insightful observations — but we’ve had a bit of a pandemic thing going on, quite serious really. I hate to be a downer, but rather a lot of people have been dying, and it’s not over yet.

So clever old you for distancing yourselves about 5,500 miles away behind high gates. As you can imagine, this nasty old virus is taking quite a toll on the morale of the nation, not to mention the economy — and not everyone has wealthy relatives with deep pockets who can support them in times of financial hardship.

Speaking of which, Harry, your father and brother, not to mention your grandparents have been doing a sterling job of keeping the country’s pecker up. William and Kate even did a Zoom interview on the television the other day. Strange, really, since neither of them had anything to promote.

Anyway, there I must leave you. Do stay safe during these difficult times, and whatever you do, don’t worry about the people back home. because, to be honest, we’re certainly not worried about you.