MY LADYSHAVE WORKS ON THE DOG!

I’M AS keen as any to start easing this lockdown for the sake of the economy, but I must confess that from a purely personal point of view, it’s actually proving quite a salutary experience.

I can see how much time and money I used to waste on things I thought I needed but which now, just four weeks on, I realise were completely superfluous to my existence. Such as:

1. Manicures. Seriously. Was I really spending 50 quid getting someone else to paint my nails? What a prat. The only downside to this is that I’ve developed a habit of filing my nails in front of the telly, something that is driving my husband slowly, but reliably, mad.

2. The gym. For the past few weeks, I’ve substituted my regular classes with long walks. Admittedly, my knees are slightly killing me. but I realise that paying a fortune to do in an airless, smelly room (and in the company of people half my age and dress size) what I can effectively do free in the sunshine is — or was — absurd. 3. bottled fizzy water. before lockdown, I used to drink gallons of the stuff. Now I can no longer get it, I’m using good old tap water again. I still crave the odd slug of San Pellegrino — but otherwise I’m saving a fortune both in cash and plastic. 4. Hair removal. A fortnight into the lockdown, I dug out my ancient ‘ladyshave’ and pressed it back into service. Granted, the results may not be entirely professional, but they’ll do — and in any case, I’m 53. No one’s checking that closely. 5. Dog grooming. I discovered last week that the ladyshave also works very effectively on small dog moustaches. Judge me if you like, but what can I say: needs must.

6. Make-up. After the initial ‘Have you got the virus?’ on a Zoom video chat, your face soon becomes normal without it. Although I still cannot bring myself to ditch the mascara.

7. Office gossip. Not that there is any at the moment. but you know what? Who cares.

8. Heels. Like an old boyfriend. yeah, we used to have a thing but I’m way more comfortable without you in my life.

9. Shop-bought coffee. I think it was all about the ceremony of ‘going to get a coffee’, and the convivial multi-round. My cafetiere is just as good really and doesn’t rip me off.

10. Eyebrow threading. The one exception that proves the rule. I can’t pluck my own eyebrows, it’s too painful and I’m too blind anyway. I now look like a live action version of The Very Hungry Caterpillar.