Terror? She was like a vegetarian confronted with a plate of tripe!

The sisters of Nonnatus house had the right idea. Fathers have no place in the delivery room. Our role is in the corridor outside, pacing and chain-smoking.

It’s true that two of the most extraordinary moments of my life came when a midwife placed each of my newborn sons in my arms. But that experience would have been just as special if it had happened a few minutes later, with a nun beckoning me to see a newly washed, neatly swaddled infant.

Nothing makes a man feel more useless than to see his wife in agony and be able to do nothing except hold her hand and get in the way of the nurses.

That frustration was written all over the face of 22-year-old Luke, in the first of the six-part documentary Life And Birth (BBC1). he looked like he’d rather be anywhere than a Birmingham maternity unit while his girlfriend Ashleigh howled and begged for pain relief.

Giving birth, once a closely guarded rite of passage, is now practically a public spectacle. Ashleigh’s best mate was there, too, wearing the look of a vegetarian confronted with a plate of tripe.

Down the corridor, musician Chanelle had brought her mum, who had not only filled the birthing suite with scented candles, but was playing a CD of soothing tropical bird calls. Both mums-to-be did need all the support they could get. Their stories were highlighted in this graphic but gripping programme because the births were not expected to be easy.

Luke and Ashleigh already had one son, who developed sepsis after a difficult birth. Ashleigh was dreading the second time around: ‘Pregnancy is not a big bubble of rainbows, glitter and magic,’ she said fervently.

When baby Athena arrived, she was as purple as a bruise all over and not breathing. To watch the midwives rub and massage her limp body was almost unbearable: I had to keep telling myself that surely the BBC wouldn’t show a stillbirth at half past eight.

Thankfully, she heaved and wailed, and then began to cry healthily. Millions must have cried along with her.

Chanelle’s little girl was a whopper. After ten hours of labour, she still wasn’t making an appearance, tropical birds or not.

And then, finally, with the aid of a suction cup, she arrived as though blasted out by compressed air. Motherhood left Chanelle reeling with happiness. ‘It’s like I’ve got this whole future to live and see what comes,’ she marvelled. ‘ I’m going to be someone’s great-grandmother one day!’

Steady on, Chanelle. They grow up fast enough without wishing the years away.

Time seemed to pass more quickly on I’ll Get This (BBC2) as the celebs got more sloshed. At the beginning of this panel game played around a restaurant table, the talk was stilted and the mood was stiff.

A couple of glasses of beer or vino seemed to sort that out, especially for actor Ade edmondson, who went from being reserved and avuncular to downright raucous. The parlour games started to look more fun, too.

he narrowly avoided defeat and the forfeit — paying the £412 bill for all five players.

Instead, comedienne Sara Pascoe had to pick up the tab. She looked terrified all evening, and it turned out she had 412 reasons to be.

Most of the celebs played it safe, ordering cheap dishes, in case they ended up paying. But Ade went for the £50 steak.

That’s the right idea. If you lose, the night will cost you a fortune anyway, so you might as well get a decent meal out of it.

And if you win . . . the steak was free.