Get ready for C -VE DAY ...we’ve got money to BURN!

ON HIS return to work yesterday, Boris Johnson channelled his inner Winston Churchill and announced that we are nearing the end of the beginning in the fight against Covid-19.

Conscious that next month’s events to mark the 75th anniversary of VE Day are having to be curtailed because of the lockdown, the Government is already working on plans for an historic national day of celebration once coronavirus has been defeated.

Although it may be some time before the ‘all-clear’ can be sounded, ministers are determined to throw the greatest party since the end of World War II. It’s being called CO-VE Day — an abbreviation of Corona Virus Extermination Day.

As London Mayor, Boris presided over the successful opening ceremony at the 2012 Olympic Games.

He wants the corona party to incorporate the best elements of the Olympics spectacular with the euphoria of the original 1945 VE Day knees-up.

It could go something like this . . .

‘ HERE is the news. Across the nation, millions have been celebrating CO-VE Day, the official end of the coronavirus lockdown.

As Britain sweltered in record temperatures, people flocked to parks and beaches to soak up the sun — just as they have done every weekend since late April. Police reported that crowds and traffic were actually lower in many areas.

Fresh from their inept failure to prepare for the pandemic, or provide adequate personal protection equipment for hospital staff — coupled with a complete inability to arrange adequate testing — Public Health England issued an urgent warning about the dangers of sunbathing.

In a statement, PHE told people to stay indoors at all times with the curtains closed and, if they must go out, drink plenty of water and cover themselves from head to toe in tinfoil.

With excitement mounting over the CO- VE Day party, the instructions were universally ignored as millions headed for fast- food restaurants and ice cream parlours, which were allowed to operate normally for the first time in months. McDonald’s, Five Guys and BaskinRobbins all reported record sales.

Public Health England issued a further statement warning people not to eat chips, Magnums or consume fizzy drinks, otherwise they would die a horrible premature death from diabetes and other obesity-related diseases.

Saloon bars and pub gardens were packed after social distancing restrictions were relaxed.

Public Health England warned that anyone who drinks more than three halves of ginger beer shandy a week is a raging alcoholic.

Butchers everywhere did a roaring trade in steaks, burgers and chops as millions fired up their barbecues to celebrate the end of the lockdown.

Public Health England warned that eating red meat gives you cancer.

Garden centre owners breathed a sigh of relief because they could open at last after months of having to watch supermarkets and hardware stores selling plants and shrubs while they were forced to remain closed.

Public Health England immediately warned gardeners about the potentially fatal dangers of pricking your finger on a rose bush and getting blood poisoning — or stabbing yourself in the foot with a garden fork, which could lead to gangrene and amputation.

In the Peak District, members of the Derbyshire Shooting Society celebrated CO-VE Day by blasting away at police drones sent up to spy on dog walkers.

Public Health England issued a statement warning about the dangers of air rifles and dogwalking, claiming that species-to-species transmission could still lead to you catching coronavirus from a cockapoo.

Day-trippers demolished police roadblocks as they headed for popular dogging spots and flytipping sites across Britain.

Stripped of their emergency powers to shout through megaphones at sunbathers, issue spot fines to people sitting on park benches, and sift through shopping baskets in search of ‘non-essential’ items, police responded in force.

In Southampton, a lay preacher reading out loud from the Bible to give thanks for the end of coronavirus was taken into custody and charged with hate crime. In Scotland and Wales, the government responded by encouraging everyone to fly the Saltire and the Red Dragon with pride.

In England, councils toured the streets accusing anyone flying the Cross of St George of incitement to racial hatred.

In Northern Ireland, people waving the Union Flag were threatened with arrest for sectarianism.

In the streets everywhere, reunited lovers kissed openly after being separated in self-isolation for months on end.

Public Health England put out a statement warning about the dangers of sexually transmitted diseases. Meanwhile, in Kent, border patrols detained hundreds of illegal immigrants who had made the crossing from Calais. They were immediately put on buses and sent to central London to join the party.

But they were unable to cross the Thames because all the bridges had been reoccupied by Extinction Rebellion within minutes of the lockdown being lifted.

The climate protesters were greeted on Westminster Bridge by Met Commissioner Dick of Dock Green, who was making her way back to Scotland Yard on a skateboard after clapping NHS staff at St Thomas’ Hospital.

In Trafalgar Square, half-naked revellers danced in the fountains, specially filled with millions of gallons of milk which had gone unsold during the coronavirus lockdown.

The Prime Minister unveiled a statue of Captain Tom Moore on the empty plinth next to Nelson’s Column, before heading off down The Mall to join the Queen on the balcony at Buckingham Palace.

Her Maj had decided to recreate the spirit of 2012 by parachuting into the Palace yard. Unfortunately, the last operational RAF plane was stranded in Syria, where it had flown to collect some dodgy PPE gear before being taken hostage by Islamist militants.

With Richard Branson’s Virgin Atlantic grounded and desperately seeking a buyer, the Queen was forced to jump out of a Wizz Air charter, taking 150 redundant Romanian fruit-pickers back to Bucharest.

Public Health England put out a statement warning that a ‘vulnerable’ 94-year- old woman should not be parachuting at her age — adding that Boris ought still to be at home in bed.

To mark the end of CO-VE Day, beacons of stockpiled bog rolls were lit on every hilltop in Britain.

And at the grand finale in Hyde Park, Chancellor Dishi Rishi set light to a ceremonial bonfire of hundreds of billions of pounds ’ of taxpayers’ money. The crowd cheered wildly as the flames vanished into thin air.

Public Health England issued an immediate statement about the dangers of getting burned . . .