We’re in a jam so let’s call on the WI

THis story has been doing the rounds online and i thought it might bring a smile to the faces of fellow readers. Buckhampton Women’s institute have issued the following guidance for isolation: right, ladies, Judith Bickerstaffe has kindly emailed the crochet patterns for the face masks and matching underwear sets. anyone who runs out of wool should message delia, who will leave fresh supplies in a vacuum sealed sandwich bag on your doorstep. she will knock the theme tune to Miami Vice on your door so you know it’s her. you’ll have to take pot luck on colours, but i do know there is a particularly lovely shade of burnt copper. Mavis has drawn up a rota for the hazmat suit and World War ii gas mask; it is one size fits all so please don’t specify size requirements. if any of our less able members need provisions such as bread, milk, wine, gin or pickled walnuts, please contact Cynthia, who will pop to the shops for you, providing her moped isn’t being used by her grandson for pizza deliveries. laura will go ahead with her useful and inspirational talk via skype on making gifts from J-cloths. Connie is finishing off the template for making an emergency face mask and draft excluder from a spare bra. i know some members have raised concern that as Connie is a 46gg she has more material to work with than most, but she assures me her template will be scalable from 32a upwards. audrey wants to apologise for the mix-up with the medication run, but please rest assured Joan suffered no side-effects from taking Marjorie Butterworth’s husband’s Viagra and Haliborange. and likewise Marjorie’s husband seems to have responded really well to the HrT. Marjorie says they even agreed on the pattern for their new curtains. great news: we have already started collecting prizes for the summer fayre raffle. it looks as if the star prize this year may well be a pack of nine andrex quilted aloe vera toilet rolls, shortly followed by a knitted nolan sisters toilet roll cover. right, ladies, i must dash. i hear Booths has just had a fresh delivery of tinned prunes.

H. Gillson, Henley-on-Thames, Oxon.