CLEAN UNDIES, CANDLES BUT NO GLASTONBURY!

OUR COLUMNIST’S UNMISSABLE GUIDE TO LIFE AFTER LOCKDOWN...

As Britons prepare for the end of lockdown, after months of isolation at home, i thought it might be helpful to offer a guide to various terms which have fallen into disuse and which some of you might have forgotten ever existed.

Tie:

traditionally, an item of clothing by which the management class distinguished themselves from the rest of the workforce. More practically, a way of telling the wearer if he has gained weight recently, indicated by asphyxiation when attempting to hold it in place with the top shirt button.

Restaurant: A place where people paid five times what they normally would for wine, even though they had no idea what it would taste like, unlike the favourite plonk happily consumed at home.

Birthday cake candles:

A means by which those of increasing agedness demonstrate they still have a bit of puff left, by blowing them out without collapsing. (Warning: Continued concern about Covid-19 transmission may mean that two cakes are required — one, without candles, to be eaten by guests; the other, with candles, for the blowing ceremony before being disposed of in a secure manner.)

Clock: Something that people looked at to check whether they had enough time left for another slice of toast before rushing off to work. Work: An unfortunate necessity before the Government paid us to do nothing. Time: How long have you got?

Dinner parties: A social ritual by which the hosts attempt to demoralise their guests by producing a series of dishes of improbable cost and complexity. the guests secretly hope the event will be dreadful, thus raising their own self-esteem. (the collapsed soufflé is a particular favourite in this respect and also highly symbolic — of the hosts’ marital relationship, or so the guests wish.)

The Premier League: A way in which relatively less well-off English people pass a significant portion of their income to multi-millionaire footballers from other nations. Largely financed by sponsorship from gambling companies,

another means by which the less well-off pass their wages (or benefits) to offshore-based business entities.

Extra-marital affairs: i have no idea what you are talking about. no, i mean that’s what one half of a married couple says to the other when this matter is raised. Diary: A small book in which future engagements are listed, according to date, sometimes more than one in the same month. I know: extraordinary, isn’t it? (See also: Calendars)

Suit: A means by which men could avoid the impossibly difficult decision of which colour of trousers might go with which colour of jacket. (trousers? Yes, it’s been a long time.) Underpants: Used to be clean at all times, in case the wearer is run over by a bus. This social precaution will now once again be necessary.

Hairbrush: For those with curly hair,