Why don’t you move in, too!
STEPH SAYS:
ONE of the first things that I notice here is that, after five years, you are both still living apart. That’s a long time to invest in a relationship, so why are you not sharing a home as well as your hearts?
especially given that your girlfriend has been cleverly making her living from her house, which appears large enough to accommodate not only her two children but also paying guests.
So I am tempted to ask whether you’ve explored being one of her lodgers, too? She would lose no income and gets to have you with her all the time!
I am hugely impressed that she’s managed to make a strong solid family and has continued being able to be there for her children. I imagine that she has been running her business for quite some time and is selective about who she has in her home.
As for the lodger who is causing you problems: you’re worried about his age. well, it’s unlikely he’s the first 40-something she’s rented rooms to, and he surely won’t be the last. But I don’t think that’s the real problem. Simply put, you don’t like the cut of his jib and the situation is understandably stirring up bad memories for you.
Let’s, for a moment, presume that the rumours are true — that this particular lodger is a player.
You know your girlfriend lied to you in the past about contact with another man, so it’s reasonable you’re feeling jealous.
But you must honour your promise to forgive her and move on. If you don’t, you are in danger of this very scenario happening again and, possibly, losing her. Try to look at her situation through different eyes. Imagine being her friend, not her lover, and look at the basics of her life. She’s happy doing this for a living, and to intervene and put limitations on it would be wrong. You must trust her.
She will know how to spot the flirts and deal with them accordingly. And you’re missing a crucial detail. In your longer letter, you say this flirty lodger has girls over for drinks and often doesn’t sleep at ‘home’. well, that would indicate to me, clearly, that he isn’t having an affair with your girlfriend.
As for the ex-boyfriend? Some exes never really go away. But she did not leave you for him, she chose you!
why not ask her if she is happy with her current living arrangements or would she like to move your relationship forward? Ask her how she would feel about you moving in and becoming one of her lodgers. If she says no, be brave enough to ask why.
My hope is that she’ll be delighted to have you with her.