Apologise to your child and his partner

DOM SAYS:

THANK you very much for your letter. firstly, may I congratulate your boys for having the strength of character to be themselves in a world in which homophobia sadly still exists.

I have huge admiration for your boys for feeling they can be honest about who they are.

It must be very hard to hear your son accuse you of being homophobic — I’m sure it is something you find abhorrent.

Indeed, your reaction to your younger child’s announcement should serve to show you are anything but.

However, I do think you need to examine your feelings — and expectations — about your children’s life goals.

Straight or gay, your children’s choices about whether or not they have their own children are exactly that — their choices.

Of course, your boys may well choose to marry and have children, so it’s important you realise your deep sadness over this is misplaced.

There are a plethora of options

— they might adopt or seek a surrogate. So your wishes may well be fulfilled. They are still just teenagers, after all.

These decisions are for your children to make in the future.

It’s perfectly normal to hope for grandchildren — who doesn’t want a new family baby to cuddle (and then give back)? But that’s a lot of pressure to put on young shoulders.

Gay or straight, it’s not fair on your children to believe they will provide you with grandchildren. If you can’t get over this, my advice is to talk to a professional who can help you come to terms with the grief of a loss of expectation.

Now, to come back to the issue with your elder son. I think the problem — and the solution — is time. You always thought your younger son might be gay, so you had plenty of time to digest that, and, as such, were able to behave as you would’ve liked when the moment came.

But your elder son’s news came out of the blue — you weren’t ready to hear it. It’s only fair to expect your eldest to be a little bit upset about your reaction.

It’s as if his brother’s news, rather than making his own path smoother, has, in fact, made it harder.

I suspect your son also feels sore about the ‘mixed reception’ his boyfriend was given.

I’m sure you feel guilty about that and you must apologise to both your son and your son’s boyfriend for your behaviour.

And then? You keep talking, you keep reassuring your son you love him, that you are not homophobic, and, in time, I’m sure all will be well.