I fear you’re upset that you didn’t know

STEPH SAYS:

THe first thing I would like you to know is that I am full of admiration for you and your family, as I can see that there is a lot of love between you all. This is precious and often very hard to maintain.

I find it interesting that you say you always had the feeling your younger son was gay but were surprised by his brother’s news. You say it was a ‘shock’, and I wonder whether part of the upset you describe is that you are questioning yourself — why didn’t you spot this?

Perhaps the fact you didn’t instinctively realise has made you feel distant from your elder son? I fear that you are angry at yourself for not knowing he was gay. If so, it is vital that you forgive yourself.

It could be that your son has only just come to his truth. He might have taken a long time to get there, whereas your younger son has, like you, always known.

I do, however, understand that you’re cross with yourself for reacting negatively — particularly towards his boyfriend.

It is very important for everyone that you apologise to him — imagine if the roles were turned and it was your son visiting his boyfriend’s family?

equally, your son put you in a difficult position, setting up the situation as he did so that you wouldn’t have much time to process it. You must tell him how you feel.

Three days between an announcement and a meeting is not long. I would ask yourself why he felt it necessary to do it like that. Maybe he felt overshadowed by his brother and worried that you would react badly?

I think you are upset, not by his news but by the way he told you. You must make that clear to him. If not, you risk escalating this problem into a crisis.

His declaration of who he is must be celebrated but you’re not wrong to wish he had delivered the news differently. But at the heart of this is his declaration, not the way he delivered it.

I understand your concern that he may not choose to have children. But perhaps you should try and look at it a different way. Our generation grew up being conditioned to think that we should get married, have 2.4 children, then grandchildren would come along and complete the circle.

That was your idea of the cycle of life and you clearly feel that you have been denied this. I do understand that. But your son’s mental health and happiness come way before your desire to have grandchildren. And your relationship with your son is the most important thing to focus on right now.

n IF YOU have a question you’d like Steph and Dom to tackle, write to: stephanddom@ dailymail.co.uk