Why isdating scene full of the selfish and mean time-wasters?
DEAR BEL,
I’M A 51-year-old man, single now for five years, following an 18-year relationship. Having avoided meeting anyone since, I finally feel ready.
But the dating world has completely changed. People only ‘meet’ online first — and it’s brutal out there. Last month, I was getting to know a lovely guy. He was warm, funny, sincere, romantic, principled. We spoke on video day and night for weeks and it started to get serious. We planned to spend the weekend together and I was nervous but excited.
He was even talking about relocating, should we feel we could have a future. I felt I was falling in love and he said the same. As I waited for him in a nice restaurant, suited and booted, he suddenly texted he couldn’t make it. Unceremoniously dumped like he had no respect, I was more hurt than angry. I haven’t heard from him since.
He is the seventh or eighth man this year to have done this. Each time, it’s they who contact and chase. I’m sceptical at first, but they always seem genuine. But just as it gets close to meeting, they either start becoming ‘too busy’ or I’m ghosted. They block me.
Many straight single friends, male and female, tell me their experience of modern-day dating (always online) is just as hideous as it is in the gay world. The obvious thing to tell me is: stop looking for love and try to meet people in real life. But after lockdown, meeting people in person is harder than ever.
I steer clear of the gay scene, so online is where people meet these days. Those guys can’t all be narcissistic time-wasters. So it must be something about me — doing something wrong.
I remember my mother saying calmly: ‘I’ve never felt such hatred for anyone as for you. I can’t even believe you came from me. You’ll never amount to anything — and you’ll end up unwanted all your life.’ I was about three. Stuff like that was drilled into me for years: I was ‘too thick’, ‘too plain’ or ‘just bloody useless’.
She could be good, but had a terrible temper and a vicious streak. My dad was cold and distant and would walk out on us a lot when I was a lad. I have little to no contact with my difficult sisters, so my family didn’t exactly set me up for developing relationships.
My long relationship was volatile. He walked out many times. I always vowed never to take him back, but he always begged — and in the end I’d capitulate.
After we split, I used drugs and alcohol to numb the pain. Thankfully, that’s behind me now. I just want a quiet life with a soulmate. But the more our lives go online, the harder natural human interaction becomes. People are just a swipe to the left or a swipe to the right on a phone screen.
As I sat in that restaurant alone, humiliated yet again, I couldn’t stop wondering whether my mother was right. What am I doing wrong? How can I find the right person without being burnt?
ARCHIE
ThIS is a sad tale of disillusionment. I’m glad you point out that dating is bad in every walk of life, and there’s no way anyone who has read your letter could just say, ‘Aha, that’s the gay scene, isn’t it?’
Because there are countless stories of ‘ghosting’ (inexplicably cutting contact) and other forms of rudeness and ill-treatment — and men and women seem equally able to dish it out.
Why is it so much worse now? Your email makes me deeply grateful to have been born before ‘swiping left’ sank its poisoned claws into love.
Yes, people sometimes used to go to matchmaking agencies, but they mostly tried to meet partners through old-fashioned methods: clubs, sports, courses, voluntary work and other activities.
Social life included chatting up people in the pub. of course folk got hurt, too, but at least you met up, found out if somebody had Bo, saw how a smile crinkled his/ her eyes, and so on.
here, I should disclose that you are one of my hundreds of Facebook ‘friends’ whom I’ve never met, so I know more about you even than a problem letter to this page (originally over three times as long) revealed.
This includes that you are very handsome, hunky, interesting and bright. I just want to assure you that, from my perspective, you have so much to offer the world — if only you could ‘unhear’ your mother’s put-downs. It breaks my heart to read how she destroyed your confidence. have you ever had therapy to help? Since online dating has been disastrous, why are you so determined to tell me there is no other way? Yes, the wretched virus has made everything more difficult, but do we give in?
You can tell I have no easy answer to your problem, since the search for a ‘soulmate’ depends so much on luck.
one thing I will say. on Facebook, you are opinionated and sometimes deliberately provocative (occasionally in a sexual way), so if you added those men as ‘friends’ before arranging to meet, they might be intimidated/deterred by what is a powerful ‘presence’.
You should also try to aim for men who live in your area so you can meet quickly. Talking of ‘a future’ before you’ve met is just daft. In the past, you lurched from drama to drama. The truth is, you’re not fully stable yet. So I’d ease up on the online scene and think creatively about a new life.
Cultivate friendships of both sexes, and think about your inner life, too — because, honestly, it’s clear to me that you’re worth far more than the superficial judgments of a bitter woman or trivial, selfish men who want to play games.