Our daughter-in-law despises us

DEAR BEL,

WE HAVE the perennial problem with our daughter-in-law.

She doesn’t like us; nothing we do or say is right. Our other son asked her to be kinder, but now they don’t speak to him.

Her husband, our son, sees us occasionally with our grandson, who is just two, but the rift is breaking my heart.

I realise she has problems, but why can’t he stand up to her?

Five years ago, we lent them most of our savings, but only a third has been repaid. We thought she’d appreciate that, but sadly not. I’ve asked him many times what we’ve done wrong.

He admits she needs help, but always finds it easier to say sorry to her, even if he’s done nothing wrong.

With another baby due soon, I can see it getting worse. Do you have any suggestions?

FRANCINE

You called your email ‘The usual daughter-inlaw problem’ — and I could almost hear your weary sigh. I gave one, too. Not out of boredom, but sympathy. In-law issues occur in many cultures — and often give rise to both misery and cruelty. I’ve seen it before.

You ask why your son can’t (or won’t) stand up to his wife. If I don’t quote the old saying, readers will send it in, so here goes: ‘Your son is your son until he takes a wife; Your daughter’s your daughter the rest of your life.’

This dynamic is age- old, and explains why the care of elderly parents mostly falls on the shoulders of daughters.

To defend it, a man might say: ‘I have my own family to take care of.’ In my experience, a lot of blokes can’t be bothered to care if wife and mother get on or not.

They often choose to dump mum — when emotional intelligence could help create a calm middle path.

So your son just gives in. The fact that his own kids will be deprived of grandparents matters less than an easy life at any price. It’s terribly sad — and annoying.

That loan rang alarm bells in my head. Although most people would hope your daughter-in-law should be grateful, it had the opposite effect. If she disliked you already, then becoming beholden to you will have increased her resentment.

I fear there’s no way back from that, but it’s a reminder that loans within a family are rarely a good idea. Gifts are fine.

Why not suggest a ‘meeting’ with both of them to chat about your will? Money usually interests people, especially selfish ones. It should be at your place, putting you in charge.

And if she doesn’t want to come, try to insist because you want to discuss her children and it can’t happen without her. over tea I would explain ( calmly and warmly) how you have been considering money for your grandchildren. Ask what they think. Listen. Then explain that of course your own savings would have gone towards this nest egg, so what is to be done?

Might they make a standing order which (in turn) you will use for an Isa (or whatever you come up with) and add to?

This way a sum of money will be set aside for the children’s future.

Never again ask your son what you have done ‘wrong’. That puts you in a position of begging. Instead, accept the fact that you’re unlikely to have a good relationship with his wife, and change your expectations.

To come to an arrangement about the money and channel it as I suggest might make you feel in control, at least — since happiness might be too much to ask for.