ISOTOPES AND WRESTLING... BEST OF BOJO’S PROSE
ON HIS WEIGHT: ‘My friends, I was too fat. And I have since lost 26lbs, and you can imagine that in bags of sugar and I am going to continue that diet, because you’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself in the hope that that individual is considerably slimmer.’
ON LIFE RETURNING TO NORMAL: ‘We are working for the day when life will be back to normal, flying in a plane will be back to normal, and hairdressers will no longer look as though they are handling radioactive isotopes, and when we can go and see our loved ones in care homes, when we no longer have to greet each other by touching elbows as in some giant national version of the Birdie Dance.’
ON HIS BRUSH WITH DEATH: ‘I have read a lot of nonsense recently, about how my own bout of Covid has somehow robbed me of my mojo. And of course this is self-evident drivel, the kind of seditious propaganda you would expect from people who don’t want this Government to succeed... I could refute these critics of my athletic abilities in any way they want: arm-wrestle, leg-wrestle, Cumberland wrestle, sprint-off, you name it.’
ON SOCIAL CARE: ‘We will fix the injustice of care home funding. Covid has shone a spotlight on the difficulties of that sector... we must care for the carers as they care for us.’
ON HOME OWNERSHIP: ‘We will help turn Generation Rent into Generation Buy... the fundamental, life-affirming power of home ownership, the power to decide what colour to paint your own front door.’
ON THE CULTURE WAR: ‘We aren’t embarrassed to sing old songs about how Britannia rules the waves – in fact, we are even making sense of it with a concerted national ship-building strategy.’
ON LABOUR: ‘It is this Government that has taken the tough decisions, because we believe that there are no easy answers, while they have simply sniped from the sidelines. Well, my friends, we have no time now to focus on Captain Hindsight and his regiment of pot- shot, snipeshot fusiliers.’