Stop being so obsessed by status

STEPH SAYS:

FundAMEntAllY, this is about your insecurity — and your obsession with status. it’s clear that you felt you were ‘punching above your weight’ in this relationship, that you had nabbed a catch and had to compete in order to keep him.

We all want to look our best, to be shiny and perfect for a new boyfriend, but you were together for five years! if you were really in love, you would have become comfortable in time. You would also have realised that he had chosen you because of who you are and not how you look.

it seems to me that you lived in fear that his friends might realise you were somehow not socially acceptable. look, i’m not going to pretend we don’t live in a world still riven with societal divisions and dotted with snobs, but it’s very sad that you bought into it all so much.

it was your choice to rack up these debts with frivolous spending in an effort to keep up. What a shame and what a waste.

i wonder if your insecurity didn’t somehow contribute to your growing apart.

i’m sure that, deep down, you were trying to compensate for feelings of inadequacy, but you may well have come across as vain and more than a little shallow.

let’s not even go there on leaving him for someone else.

But we need to find a way through this mess. i think you should see this as a release — and a relief. Finally, now, you can be yourself and stop pretending.

it is time to do a deep analysis of your own behaviour and of what’s important to you. it is not your ex’s fault that his friends are wealthy, that their wives look expensive, and that this made you feel insecure.

He is also guilty here. He has controlled you. You are very clear in your letter that this was his lifestyle, his flat and the rest of it; but if you lived there, then it was your home.

the problem is that you saw him as a prize, not a person, so you allowed it to happen. Yes, he was in control, but every single step of this was your choice. You chose to spend the money, you chose to stay — and then, you chose to go.

And i am glad that you did, as you don’t once talk about love. Your concerns are wholly materialistic, and at a time when the entire country is being hit economically and we are all worried about paying the bills.

take a long hard look in the mirror — and then look at the rest of the world and see if you really think you’re hard done by.

You asked me to help you stop him being so cruel, but i’m afraid i don’t think he is. it’s time to move on.