What can I do about my toxic, sponging adult son?

People tend to sentimentalise motherhood, yet for many women the experience can prove to be a cross borne for a lifetime. Yes, it’s a painful truth — but important, because many women find themselves in your situation.

They are exploited and treated with selfish entitlement and cruelty by an adult child — and yet instinctively, miserably, take the blame themselves.

This is the moment when motherhood becomes martyrdom and I tell you from the bottom of my heart, there is no justice in it.

You write to me in such a state of despair that you have thought of suicide as a way to bring peace. please remember that if ever that black mood threatens to overcome you, the Samaritans’ free number, day and night, is 0116 123.

Somebody thoughtfully informed you that because you had to ferry James around a lot (as parents do when a child has a particular interest) your older son Simon was resentful; therefore his appalling behaviour is explained away. I don’t buy such justification.

We’re talking about a healthy 24-year-old man with the advantage of a good brain, who threw away his chances because he was lazy, and now cheats, exploits, abuses and threatens his parents.

This selfish individual has never lived independently and it’s time he did. It is right that he should fester in his own squalid bedsit, with nobody to pick up towels or buy food. Does that sound harsh?

Well, that’s because I feel rather harsh — or rather angry on

your behalf. And for all parents bullied by adult children.

Your wistfulness (longing for Simon to be like a normal son) is heart-breaking and I feel so sorry that your life is made worse by the alcoholic husband who quarrels with his firstborn.

You are in the firing line between them and it’s so unfair. The first thing you must do is stop making yourself even more miserable with self-blame. Even if Simon did feel occasionally that you spend more time with his brother, so what? We all stamp our feet, then realise that each one of us has to take responsibility for our own life.

There’s a point at which excuses have to be shelved, and Simon reached it a long time ago.

Can you access any counselling through work? You need support and should talk to somebody as soon as possible.

of course, the virus makes this the very worst time to begin changes in life; nevertheless you can — and should — start making plans.

I know you want to save Simon from himself, but you have tried and now you have to save yourself.

of course, he should seek counselling for his various problems, but he won’t, because he’s perfectly happy as he is. And at the moment my concern is your desperation. It’s time Simon was served notice on living at home. You say your vulnerable father is dependent on you, so might this be the moment to consider whether he could move into the room vacated by your son?

At this stage it will not matter whether or not that’s actually the outcome; you just tell Simon matter-of-factly that the room needs to be ready and close your ears to any abuse. This sponging 24-year-old must be informed, calmly and firmly, that he can no longer live under your roof.

how he then manages (sharing with one of his friends?) is not your problem, as he has fleeced you enough. I beg you to be strong and tell him.