How can I defuse the pain of my grandson’s terrible lie?

DEAR BEL,

SIX years ago, when my grandson was seven, I had collected him and my granddaughter from school and when we arrived at their home he misbehaved.

My memory of exactly what he said has gone, but he was extremely cheeky and I admonished him.

It bothered me enough to tell his Mum quietly when she got home, mentioning that he was up the stairs and I was at the foot with my granddaughter.

He was listening outside the door, heard me — then raced into the room, crying and hysterical, saying I’d thrown him to the floor in anger. I was stunned. I couldn’t believe the lies he was telling and wanted to leave and go home.

He was probably worried about his parents knowing how cheeky he’d been — but, even so, it was extreme.

Naturally I told them it was untrue and I was horrified they thought I could physically manhandle him.

I went to bed; my son came up and said they’d talked and my grandson repeated his story. I said it was untrue and that I only told him off verbally.

But my son said they believed him, as the child ‘never lies’. He added that we’d work our way through this and that is what happened.

But last month, trying to get me to contact the sister I don’t get on with, my son intimated it was my fault we kept falling out. To back this up, he referred to that incident with my grandson which, he said, ‘ showed a dark side to my character’. I couldn’t speak for distress. That he had thought this of me all this time.

My dilemma is that I want to have a heart to heart with him. To tell him I don’t want to go to my grave knowing that he thinks I could strike my grandson. The thought that he could believe this of me is horrifying.

I’m 75 and feel sick and ill — and he saw this on a video chat. I just couldn’t speak for crying. It was a week before he called me and things have settled down but, on the odd occasion, he has since brought up ‘my dark side’ in jest — and it hurts.

Should I carry on as if I’m OK and let sleeping dogs lie, or should I have a chat with my son and tell him how hurt and sad I am that he still believes this of me?

ELSA

Elsa, it didn’t take me more than a single reading of your longer email to know that it will be impossible for you to pretend you’re not upset. There are no ‘ sleeping dogs’ in this story — not when you are crying and your son has observed it on his screen.

so the question is how you can talk about the issue with him without weeping. The trouble with crying is that it makes you impossible to understand. so the next time you arrange a video call prepare yourself with some deep breaths and vow to yourself to remain calm and in control.

That sad incident when you were accused by your grandson happened a long time ago, but it does puzzle me that your granddaughter was present, and a school-age child would surely have been asked by her parents what happened. This is an odd omission.

But naturally I believe your side of things (since you have written in such distress) and I do know that children are capable of telling incredible whoppers. any parent who can intone piously ‘My child never lies’ is surely deluded.

Most humans will tell a lie if it is to their advantage; it’s in our DNa — ever since adam and Eve tried to hide from God in the Garden of Eden because they knew they’d done wrong.

That leads me to your estrangement from one sister. Who knows where the

fault lies? Presumably, with both of you.

I applaud your son’s attempts to organise a rapprochement between you — because at 75 you might perhaps reflect that life is too short to hold old grievances. But whatever you decide, I think he is wrong to bring up the old issue and to talk about you as if you were a character in a soap opera. ‘Dark side’ is not respectful — and you can tell him that, quietly and calmly and firmly. With no tears.

It seems inevitable that you will tell him you are hurt and sad, but just be careful how you do it.

Having put his faith in his son six years ago, he will not row back from that position now.

Even if the child (now 13) has been caught out with a fib since then, your son is unlikely to admit it.

So you must point out that you think it unhealthy for the issue to be dragged up now given that so much time has passed. Agree to differ, but say that you don’t find it in the least bit amusing that he should speak of a ‘dark side’.

Of course, the truth is that most of us have a ‘dark side’ — and the only way for us to be able to coexist is to tolerate that raw truth.