Carrie had wielded the toe clippers... and he didn’t look happy
BORiS had under - gone a snip. No, not the sort of painful chop that dog of his clearly needs. Ouch! Heavens, no. i’m talking about a haircut.
With the nation ’s nimble - wristed crimpers barred from wielding their scissors for another two months, Carrie had apparently grown impatient with her fiance’s mop and attacked the unruly mess herself.
Frankly, who could blame the woman? Lately, the PM’s been walking around like someone’s up-ended a bowl of Bird’s Cus - tard all over his head.
The new do got its first public outing at PMQs yesterday. Early impressions were not good. As the P rime Minister appeared behind the Speaker’s chair , Labour’s deputy leader Angela Rayner, standing close by , recoiled against the wall. Crikey, was it that bad? Turns out this is simply Angela’s default reac - tion whenever a Tory is close.
By the time the PM arrived at his seat, it was clear the damage was minimal. Carrie had spared him a brutal, pudding -bowl jobbie. in fact, she’d barely nibbled around the edges with a pair of toe clippers.
Boris didn’t seem happy with the missus’ handiwork. Wouldn’t stop fidgeting with it. R ubbing it here, yanking it there. Much good it did. Taming that bizarre mane is like resuscitating a dead hamster. However much you try, it simply flops back into an obstinate heap. Glaring with beady-eyed fascination was Sir Keir Starmer. A zoologist examining a rare gorilla in the wild. Nothing wrong with Sir K eir’s barnet of course. No siree.
Yesterday, it was moulded, even sculpted with an artisan ’s precision. it is a hairstyle which hints at a bathroom cabinet chocka with shiny styling mousses and fragrant unguents from racy-sounding salons.
Starmer may have come out on top in the style wars, but that was about all he won yesterday. Boris swatted him aside like he were an ageing blue bottle.
The Labour leader is a mere passenger at the moment. T o think how wince-inducing these exchanges between he and Boris were for the government a few months ago. An indication as to how much they’ve turned things around this year.
Sir K eir wasted most of his time asking what would appear in next week’s Budget. Surely if Labour are keen to be on the side of business, they’d be better off scrutinising the Govern - ment’s snail-like pace out of lockdown. Yet, Starmer made it clear he was giving the PM a free pass on that. The only heat Boris is getting on his timetable is from a gaggle of his own MPs.
One of them, Sir Desmond Swayne (Con, New F orest W), lounged in a corner with a silk scarf held across his mouth. Reminded me of a greying T E Lawrence posing in the desert.
The PM was in boisterous form. He accused Starmer of weaving ‘ hither and yon like some druidical rocking stone’. As usual, he teased him for not getting behind the Govern - ment’s vaccine programme early doors. ‘He vacillates, we vaccinate!’ he harrumphed. ALTHOUGH
the leader was firing blanks, Labour’s benches were livelier than usual. W es Streeting (Lab, ilford N) gave the impression of being on the terraces at Millwall. A sign, possibly, of how frustrating life is for them at the moment.
in other news, ex -business minister Alok Sharma hosted his first session of questions since being made president of this year’s COP26 climate change conference. Speaker Sir Lindsay Hoyle even did him the courtesy of referring to him as ‘Mr President’.
Mr Sharma has the hulking build of a James Bond baddie, but he’s actually rather a softie. Each time Sir Lindsay called him ‘ Mr P resident’ his face crumpled with embarrassment.
His opposite number Ed Mili - band, on the other hand, delighted at being referred to as ‘ shadow Mr P resident’. Bless Ed. He seems destined to be one of those permanent runners- up that politics so often throws up.