Daily Mail

How can he leave me now over my weight?

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DEAR BEL,

TODAY my husband returned from work and told me he is leaving. We’ve been together 34 years, married for 26, have no children (through choice), and are both 18 months off retirement.

To say I’m devastated is an understate­ment. We’ve survived problems on and off over the years but I always thought we could get through anything.

There’s no changing his mind. No one else is involved — he just wants to be happy. We are not close mainly because I am fat and he can’t accept it any more.

I have always had a weight problem but was a lot thinner in the early days. I’ve been told by doctors to lose weight, but I lose a bit then go back to how I was. He has given me support over the years.

He says he still loves me, as I do him, so why can’t we work at it some more?

He says we’ve been here too many times and he’s had enough because I promise things will change but they never do. Now he’s determined.

He says I’m a plodder who goes through life content with everything, while he’s become more and more miserable. He thinks I’ve become scared of his moods, so try to please him all the time.

He wants us to be how we used to be, laughing and spontaneou­s. I say I want that too and think we are happy. We do laugh but he can’t see it and says I’m kidding myself. He won’t budge.

He sent me a lovely Valentine’s card. I asked how he could — then want to leave now? He said he was just going through the motions. I can’t understand how he can just give up on us.

He lost his mum 16 months ago and I think he hasn’t grieved properly but he says he has — in his own way.

He says he’s not bothered by lockdown (though fed up like all of us) because he’s antisocial anyway.

For 26 years we’ve lived with his Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and I supported him through hell and hospital and therapy and back . . . all to get to where we are now.

I feel so sad and don’t know how I will cope. I have some friends but no family.

He is going to look at flats tomorrow. Please can you help me? CHRISTINE

THIS is utterly heartbreak­ing for you and i cannot pretend that i am able to write anything to help. Who could — without being rather glib and promising you ‘a new start’ and ‘inner strength’ and so on?

There are times when no piece of sticking plaster in my medicine cabinet will even start to cover such a wound, let alone heal it.

i just feel great compassion for your pain and urge you, at this time of acute need, to contact a close friend and pour your heart out. There are times when the urgent need is to howl — and maybe rage, too.

if it would help you to contact a profession­al, then Relate offers a range of digital and telephone counsellin­g services. Because Covid stopped face-to-face counsellin­g they have increased the availabili­ty of experience­d webcam, telephone and Live Chat counsellor­s.

For general enquiries ring 0300 0030396 (you can book telephone counsellin­g by using this number) and/or visit relate.org.

since you wrote to me, of course, your husband may have relented. Looking at flats may have jolted him into realising that it can be a cold and lonely world out there.

But even if that were to happen, you must realise you cannot continue in this marriage as it is.

Whether your husband stays or goes you really must look closely at what you can do to change your life.

it is only at the end that you mention your husband’s OCD — a common mental health condition where a person has obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviours.

in your longer letter you tell me you were together for eight years prior to this condition becoming

serious; I’m wondering if it manifested itself before or after your actual marriage.

Whatever the timing, your support through the years must have been crucial.

You sound bitter to reflect that it now seems thrown back in your face. Yet you also remark that he supported you by making serious attempts to help you lose weight.

I think your marriage should be seen in the light of your twin problems, which must have sorely tried each of you at times.

Did he in turn feel permanentl­y disappoint­ed/irritated to think that his active encouragem­ent of your efforts to lose weight came to nothing — because you remained ‘fat’?

You mention no physiologi­cal causes for your obesity, so is it caused by compulsive eating or genetics? Did you feel caught in a spiral of low self- esteem — and have you ever sought profession­al advice?

Did he become increasing­ly frustrated and angry that you seemed just to accept it and thought he should too?

Since you set your weight at the heart of this breakdown in your marriage, you owe it to yourself to be honest about deep causes and admit this breakdown has been approachin­g for a long time.

I’m hazarding guesses because I only have the informatio­n in your sad, bewildered email.

The only way I can help you is by advising you to cease blinking in shock and try to understand him . . . yourself . . . and the past.

I do urge you to seek out profession­al help. And meanwhile, I hope he changes his mind.

 ?? ??

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