How can I make my husband accept I’m going to die of cancer?
DEAR BEL,
JUST after New Year I was told I had terminal cancer. Now in my mid-60s, I have taken quite a philosophical view that I’ll be gone before I can collect my state pension.
The problem is my husband — he is acting like the proverbial ostrich. It’s a second marriage for both of us. I was divorced, his first wife died suddenly and tragically. I know he still misses her dreadfully, but I’m at an age when that doesn’t bother me.
When I do go, I’d be happy if he met someone else to keep him company, and, more importantly, organise him.
He’s a good man, happy to do the cooking, washing etc — but ask him to do anything technical/practical and he has no idea. So it all falls on me, as well as the household accounts. I spent more than 25 years working in a High Street bank so that comes quite naturally.
Back to my problem . . . I keep trying to talk to my husband about my funeral arrangements and so on, but as far as he is concerned I don’t look ill and I’m not in any pain (yet) and so therefore I can’t be that bad.
I really need some advice on how to convince him that in a few months, or however long my particular piece of string is, I will be gone.
SUZANNE
The quiet, wise courage of this letter has taken my breath away. You show no self-pity (let alone bitterness) but simply wish a good life for your husband after your death, knowing he will need somebody to look after him, as you do now.
Always a practical person, you know it is important to look ahead and make arrangements, but feel sad that he refuses to engage with the subject.
You say (so admirably) that you can ‘take a philosophical view’ and yet how terribly lonely all this must make you feel. You are the one who needs tenderness and care at the moment and it is absolutely heart-breaking that your man is in denial.
Of course, I am sure he is suffering inside and wondering why death should visit women he loves twice.
He is probably terrified, feeling totally inadequate and stepping back because he can’t cope with his own emotions, let alone yours. People are like that: they flee from reality because
they know they lack the strength to deal with it. But understanding all that (and you sound so generous) doesn’t help you, does it?
You don’t mention children or other family members, but I hope you have good friends who can give you some support. Talk to people as much as you can, and if your husband has a sympathetic friend or relative, you could get that person on side and ask for help.
I suggest you write out very clearly what kind of funeral you want, with suggestions for readings, poems etc. You certainly sound strong enough to do this.
Then you have no alternative but to ‘corner’ him one evening, when he is relaxed, and show him the document. Refuse to let him leave the room on a pretext — and tell him how much you need him. I suspect you’ve grown so used to being the strong one who takes charge of everything that you find it hard to hold out a hand to anybody and say: ‘Please help me.’
Having endured one divorce, you have developed the habit of protecting this husband — to your own detriment. But now fate requires him to find inner strength and he must be made aware of it in no uncertain terms.
Medieval poets and clerics knew the refrain, ‘ Timor mortis conturbat me’ — and indeed the fear of death does disturb most people. That’s why it’s so hard to stop and think about it.
Yet we must, each one of us, because how we contemplate the prospect of our own deaths has a direct influence on how we live our lives. You are there right now, showing grace and strength, and I pray he can support you.