What can I do to beat my demons?
DEAR BEL,
I WONDER if you can help me. Ever since I was younger (I’m nearly 50), I’ve taken everything very personally — really taking things to heart. I want to feel different, be a different woman. It gets me down.
It’s dwelling on things, brooding and always thinking about the past and how people have treated me. I had an abusive childhood and find it hard to move on from that.
I’m hyper-sensitive and wish I could have a thick skin and be able to say: ‘It is just water off a duck’s back.’
I’m an insecure woman, not living my best life, and wish I could have high self-esteem, but feel there is nothing in my locker to conquer my demons. I know I should have therapy, but what do you suggest?
JANE
Please don’t wish to be a different person, because that is fruitless, doomed to frustration — and therefore a permanent drag on your spirits.
No, let’s look at ways you could change your mindset instead.
Of course, you’re right that counselling could help and online sessions are an option. There are many different types of therapy and so I suggest you visit welldoing.org/counselling/ online and perhaps choose a cognitive behavioural therapist who can help shift your mind to a new way of looking at the present and lifting your anxiety.
Of course, the pain in your childhood will emerge and I believe it will do you much good to talk it through with somebody trained to understand.
Meanwhile, get hold of a straightforward book on mindfulness to help you live in the present. The little Book Of Mindfulness by Dr Patrizia Collard offers exercises to help you relax. But when you talk about taking things to heart, I want you to know you are not alone.
Many people will recognise your torments, but you do not have to be imprisoned by them. Try the trick of writing a hateful, unhappy, worrisome thought on a piece of paper, crumpling it up, then grasping it tight in your fist. ask yourself if you could let it go — and the answer must be ‘Yes’, because you could.
Relax your fist. ask again. Finally say aloud, ‘Will I let this go?’ and open your fist. It can be such a relief when the paper falls and you put it in the bin.
But beyond such exercises, please assure yourself that you are valuable enough to share your thoughts with an experienced, sympathetic listener. and yes it’s true — you can kick-start a new you.