Can children ever be OK after a bitter break-up?

As actor Martin Freeman’s ex says their split did ‘irreparable damage’...

The damage caused to children when their parents separate, to which Amanda Abbington poignantly refers, need not be irreparable. And in some cases, there is no real damage at all. My middle son is 21. he has said many times that my divorce from his father didn’t bother him at all, and his younger brother concurs. Really? Surely a bit? But, no, he insists not.

Separation is, by its nature, horrible for all concerned, but I believe a good deal of damage can be dodged. It all depends on how the couple conduct themselves.

My marriage went pear-shaped in 2008. We tried hard to make things work, but we separated in January 2009 when our three boys were ten, eight and six.

Those years were probably the worst of my life. But despite the anger and pain, we both agreed on one thing: my own parents’ divorce should be our model. It was characterised by generosity and restraint and so, in turn, was ours.

They never went to court over money or custody of me, and I was never aware of anything but respect, humour and affection between them. I have had my fair share of issues, including an eating disorder in my 20s, but I cannot say for certain that their divorce was to blame. Being sent to boarding school at the age of eight was, to me, far more damaging.

At the time of my separation, I heard a radio programme in which several experts were discussing the most damaging part of divorce — the consensus was parents who bad-mouth one another to their children. Oh boy, I felt like doing so sometimes, as I am sure my former husband did, but we never did. And it paid off: today we’re the best of friends.

As Philip Larkin rightly said, in more colourful language, they mess you up, your mum and dad. I hold my hands up to that, but if my kids are damaged, it’s because of all manner of things we as parents did wrong — and just life.

Separation is far from ideal, but it can’t take all the blame.