How can I stop abuse secret from ruining my wedding?

An old cherry tree shows blooms with buds and f lowers, mindful of its youth. Haiku by Matsuo Basho (Japanese poet, 1644-1694)

DEAR BEL,

I AM 28 and happy with a wonderful fiance and our beautiful fourmonth-old son. We are planning to marry next June.

On our third date six years ago, I told him a secret I’ve never felt comfortable talking about to anyone else. The secret I’d hidden for years was so serious that I’m struggling to write it down for you even now. As a child I was abused by my brother who’s three years older.

The abuse lasted years, he was at least 16 and maybe older when it stopped. I’ve managed to suppress a lot of memories and pretended in my head that the abuse wasn’t real. Except I know it was.

In my early 20s I was struggling more than I realised; perhaps that’s why I told my partner the truth so soon. Maybe it was desperation to share some of the pain I’d suppressed for years.

Understandably, my partner was horrified. With a sister himself, he couldn’t understand how someone could be capable of sexually abusing their own sister.

He wanted me to report my brother to the police or tell my parents. I couldn’t do either — the hurt that would come as a result would not be worth it to me. I chose to bury the truth, never talk of it again and pretend it had never happened. I’ve always seen life as a blessing and been a happy person because nothing feels a challenge after going through what I did as a child.

My partner accepted I wouldn’t report my brother. He would always avoid him at family functions, and I have never mentioned it — until now.

We’re planning our wedding and want only close friends and family to attend. My partner has finally gained the courage to talk to me about my secret, and he doesn’t want my brother at the wedding.

He says just looking at him makes him feel sick, that he’s gone over a million scenarios in his head of how he’d talk to him about what he did and make him stay away, but he hasn’t done so because he knows how distressing it would be for me.

I honestly don’t think I can not invite my brother. All of my partner’s siblings are coming and it would look very odd if he wasn’t invited. Any excuse just wouldn’t make sense. How do I get the wedding of my dreams to the man I love without this secret tearing the family apart?

ELLA

IT MUST have taken a great deal for you to be able to write this letter and I hope it helps you forward to a new stage in your life. Certainly this dilemma feels like a watershed moment.

When you were on only your third date with your new boyfriend six years ago, something about him encouraged you to share the terrible secret you had buried for years. I think we can celebrate that moment, because your heart must have whispered that you’d met the special man who would change your life.

But, of course, your secret shocked him, and rightly so. since then he has avoided your brother whenever possible, and nobody could blame him for that — just as now I suspect most readers will feel great sympathy towards his wish not to have your brother at the wedding next year.

the fact that your partner maintained a five-year silence about the abuse you had confided, because he understood the depth of your anguish, says much for his emotional intelligence. A lesser man might have harped on it, seemingly sympathetic, yet in fact insensitive to the fact that a part of you might even have blamed yourself — which is not uncommon. A lesser man might have put his own feelings of disgust and outrage first.

But now you are planning your wedding day and the beloved man who

understood your feelings and took care of you and fathered your beautiful son is saying he does not want the man who abused you present on that special day.

He must think your brother would pollute the sanctity of the occasion — and I admit I am on his side.

Surely his wishes are far more important than how ‘odd’ it would look if your brother were to be absent? And what about your own wishes? I find it hard to believe that you actually want your brother there. As always, you seem to be putting conventional appearance, and a wish not to upset your parents, above what is right for you and the man who will be your husband.

Would it have been better if you had confided in your parents years ago? Who knows? But I can understand that you wouldn’t wish to inflict the knowledge on them now. But you see, if you choose appearances, and refuse to listen to your partner’s wishes you will seem to him to be siding with your abusive brother. He may think that turns the ‘wedding of your dreams’ into a nightmare.

That cannot be. In your place I would do two things. I would look at the website for survivors of sexual abuse (thesurvivorstrust.org), follow links, and generally consider ways of accessing some professional help for these demons.

Then I’d write to your brother and tell him he won’t be invited, suggesting you both inform your parents you had a quarrel you do not wish to discuss.

I wish him far away — perhaps on holiday — when you marry the wonderful man that you love.