Can you ever really forgive a cheater? YES

As Coleen Rooney says she has moved on from Wayne’s infidelity

ThaNKFully, I have never had to forgive a cheater. at least not in marriage. but from friends and from instinct, I think some cheating can be forgiven, as Coleen has decided to do.

and with a bit of luck, goodwill and several passing years, it can even be pretty much forgotten, like all the other quarrels and infuriations of life.

Maybe it’s harder in a recent relationship, but in a long-settled one you know the other person very well. you know what flattery and drink and loneliness might do to them. In an awful way, you might actually understand, provided they admit what happened and are honest.

Some ferocious conditions would be called for, though. The offender would have to be open, properly sorry, understand it was a big painful betrayal, and (if you want) be willing to accept the small humiliation of getting tested for sexually transmitted infections.

It also depends on how able you are to let it drop and cope kindly with the family. That matters.

The only couples I have seen really falling apart after this kind of lapse are the ones where the injured party either has an even more stupid fling for revenge, or those where she decides to weaponise the affair, enrol the children in her army and frequently refer to it, even in public. you may not be able to move on very fast, but not moving on at all is disastrous. So, if a quiet examination of conscience suggests you’re likely to go on about it, maybe cut loose. Not least because it suggests things were dodgy in the marriage anyway.

having said all that, it is probably easiest to forgive a physical fling with someone who didn’t matter to your partner emotionally (though it’s not pleasant to know your beloved is the sort who can treat people as things).

The most painful situations must be those when it’s been a committed and considerate affair. That would mean he was taking something away that was due to you. but it may still be possible to haul your relationship back. I’ve seen it happen.

That brings me, though, to the kind of non-physical cheating which is not often spoken about but which can, in the end, hurt more than any drunken fling.

There’s nasty disloyalty in a partner who mocks you behind your back with an intimate friend (of either sex), belittles you in public, never listens to how you feel, or spends hours on porn sites. Next to that, yielding to easy temptation and being ashamed of yourself feels — well, forgivable.

‘Like life’s quarrels, cheating can be forgotten ’