My daughter’s broken by failed marriage
DEAR BEL
MY DAUGHTER has been married to her husband, a professional man, for 16 years. They have three teenage children.
Since the third child was born, they have struggled since he was a very difficult child and caused a lot of stress. They live in an isolated
area and my daughter’s role seemed to be driving the children to and fro, cooking for them and so on. Her husband was sometimes foul-tempered when he came home.
She is very bright and asked if they could buy a property in town so the children could walk to school. She started a business from home — which caused more stress. This summer, her husband stated he’d had enough and wanted to separate and buy my daughter out. He’d stay and she’d move into town. He’s now changed his mind and states he will sell the property and also move to town, but not with her.
My daughter is suffering great mental stress, doesn’t want the separation, feels despair, not only for her future but for the children’s wellbeing, too. I am so worried she will break down altogether suffering from his continual change of mind.
They haven’t slept together for a while and when she recently asked him to share her bed, he refused. I am so worried about her and would love some advice.
LOUISA
YOU are describing a desperately upsetting time and I feel so sorry for everybody concerned. The children must be so unsettled and of course your daughter is confused and miserable. But I’m glad you wrote because people must understand how the end of a marriage can have a profound effect on the wider family. Grandparents suffer twice over,
worrying about a son or daughter who is hurting and the grandchildren who will inevitably be upset.
To make another generalised point, I’d also point out how the decision to have another child can sometimes become the straw to break a marriage’s back.
It’s easy to coo, ‘How wonderful’ when a couple announce a pregnancy, but even second children can put an unexpected strain on a marriage. A third doubles the total.
More thought and realism needs to be applied to such decisions. We may love our children, but they do make life tough. Your daughter’s situation is one many women will recognise.
Suddenly you feel like a dogsbody and — exhausted and often bored — you have no idea what to do about it. Living in a rural area presents practical difficulties townsfolk are spared. I know at least one young mother it almost broke.
What can you do? Very little, other than offer stout, sensible support. It sounds as if it is too late for couples counselling, but your daughter should certainly try Relate and National Family Mediation for advice about how to deal with whatever is coming.
It goes without saying that she should find a good solicitor if her husband is talking about selling the home.
It sounds as if a move to the town would be the best thing for her and the children, and the truth is, while it may cause anguish to sell a family home which carries a powerful symbolic value, in time you do get used to the idea.
And the door that opens on a new life can, in the end, lead to happiness undreamt of. Just now, all you can do as a worried, devoted mother is encourage her, offer whatever help is needed, and stay as calm as possible.