Alexa, how do I get Kylie out of my head?
The senior vice president of Amazon’s Alexa division has just announced they are developing ways of training their voiceactivated device to react to familiar noises.
‘This is the next big leap forward for technology inside and outside the home,’ he said at the Web Summit in Lisbon. ‘It understands you and adapts accordingly. It’s there when you need it, recedes into the background when you don’t, and it’s able to take action for you.’
To make it easier for Alexa, I have prepared this handy A-Z of today’s most familiar household noises for her, together with the necessary action she should take.
ATTISHOO! A visitor just sneezed without a mask. ‘Alexa, call the police.’
BADDA-BOOM-BADDA-BOOM! They’re playing Digga D, Snoop Dogg and Kanye West next door. ‘Alexa, play The Greatest hits of Roger Whittaker — and LOUD!’
CHUG-CHUG-CREAK-CHUG-CLUNK: The washing machine has broken down. ‘Alexa, spend the next five hours looking through all the drawers for the threeyear guarantee before discovering it only applies to machines that have not broken down.’
DRIP-DRIP-DRIP: Someone hasn’t turned the kitchen tap off properly. ‘Alexa, sigh loudly then stomp towards the sink saying: “OK, leave it to me to turn it off, as per usual.”’
EEEK! A mouse just popped its little head out from under the broom cupboard. ‘Alexa, stand on a chair and shriek until the mouse can’t take it any more.’ FLUMP! There are some nights you just want to put on the TV and watch something mindless. ‘Alexa, put on anything with Rylan Clark in it.’
GROAN-GNASH-GASP-GRRRR! Uncle Ron has just advised a roomful of students that ‘in my humble opinion’ Brexit’s going like a dream, this chilly snap we’re having proves global warming’s a load of nonsense, Keir Starmer should be locked up, and ‘say what you like’ but Mark Francois is way overdue a knighthood. ‘Alexa, activate the fire sprinklers!’
HEH! HEH! Cousin Jethro is threatening to come and perform one of his amusing comic monologues. ‘Alexa, double-lock the front door.’
JABBER-JABBER-JABBER-GRUMBLEGRUMBLE-GRUMBLE-JABBERJABBER-JABBER: Who suggested holding a dinner party? They’ve been here for four hours already, and show no signs of leaving. ‘Alexa, make a noise like a clock striking midnight.’
KNOCK-KNOCK: ‘Alexa, tell the trick-or-treaters we’re out.’
LA-LA-LA-LA-LA: Oh, no! how can I get that Kylie Minogue song out of my head? ‘Alexa, play Agadoo by Black Lace.’
MOO: What’s that cow doing in the vegetable patch? There’s only one man who can put this right! ‘Alexa, send for Jeremy Clarkson.’
NEIGH: Oh, no — the cow’s just been joined by a horse! ‘Alexa, send for hRh Princess Anne — and sharpish!’ OINK! I can’t believe it! The cow and the horse have just been joined by a pig! ‘Alexa, turn this into a bestselling children’s story!’
OOPS! Kitchen noise preceding a clatter and smash. ‘Alexa, order 12 new dinner plates, six new wine glasses and one new irreplaceable china bowl.’
PFFFFFFFF: ‘Alexa, order a new inflatable chair.’ PHWOARR! ‘Alexa, tell Uncle Ron that it’s wholly inappropriate to stand by the window and make appreciative noises as every young lady walks past.’
RAT-A-TAT-TAT! ‘Alexa, tell the trick-or-treaters we’re still out, even if they’ve insisted on going to the back door.’
SQUAWK! SQUAWK! Oh, no, Ann Widdecombe’s on BBC Question Time! ‘Alexa, turn over to ITV!’ TA-DA! ‘Alexa, tell Uncle Ron that we’ve already seen his three conjuring tricks countless times over the past 40 years.’
TWANG! OUCH! ‘Alexa, tell Uncle Ron that if he must insist on doing his archery, could he please do it outdoors?’ URGH! Anyone for a second helping of banoffee pie? ‘Alexa, prepare the waste-disposal.’
VROOM-VROOM! Surely there’s something better on another side. ‘Alexa, find us anything without Jeremy Clarkson, James May or Richard hammond in it.’
WHOOSH-WHIRR-WHINNY-WHEEZEWHUMP: ‘Alexa, call the vacuum cleaner repair shop and say it’s an emergency.’
YAP-YAP-YAP! Lovely to see Auntie Joan and her two wonderfully lively Jack Russells. ‘Alexa, order a bumper box of canine diazepam.’
ZZZZ: We could all do with an early night. ‘Alexa, play the Collected Speeches of Iain Duncan Smith.’