My elderly friend left me nothing
DEAR BEL,
FOR more than ten years I was friends with an elderly neighbour, Joan, who was 35 years older than me, and did what I could to help. Her daughter visited once a week with food, stayed a short time and wouldn’t visit again until the following week.
Joan leant on me and I ended up in a caring role, later making it into a little job paid for by her attendance allowance. I washed her, styled her hair, cleaned, took her to appointments etc.
We included her in gatherings and gave her a big 90th birthday party. She called us for assistance most days. I got on with her daughter and never let it show I thought she should do more. In Joan’s later years, she talked incessantly about leaving me a cash gift, I told her I expected nothing.
Sadly, in December 2020 she caught Covid from me and died. I felt sad, guilty and wretched, and wasn’t allowed to see her in hospital. I met with the daughter twice, once to give information on what Joan wanted at her funeral and once after.
No mention was made of the gift to me or smaller legacies promised to two other neighbours. I still had the key and went to check the house.
The key was taken from me. I wrote to the daughter to explain I felt a bit used. No response. Then my husband was diagnosed with cancer at 59 so I was very fragile and she knew it.
I started to believe that Joan’s promised gift was maybe a manipulation (to keep me) as surely it would have been mentioned? It wasn’t about receiving money, but I did question Joan’s motives and it soured happy memories of my sweet friend.
Now I hear that two neighbours have received a small cash legacy from the daughter. It’s a huge slap in the face and I’m so angry with the daughter. All those years that she didn’t have to lift a finger!
How can I move past this?
LENA
Love thy neighbour as thyself’ is a truly noble commandment — and has surely always made practical as well as emotional sense. In town or country, desert or mountain or sea, a life may depend on the generosity of others.
I’ve no doubt you were a transforming influence on Joan’s life and that she was deeply grateful.
It seems quite fair that you could obtain the attendance allowance she was entitled to — although, of course, that fact transformed the relationship into a ‘job’.
If Joan spoke of leaving you a present she must have meant it — and so I beg you not to sully her memory by thinking she was lying to keep you helping. That really does corrupt your service to her in rather a disappointing way.
of course the gift would have been good to receive, because most of us would be glad of a windfall, however small. But to be absolutely honest, I do regret the tone you adopt at the end of your email.
There should be no place for the bitterness you feel. In your longer letter, you do admit that you grew angry with Joan’s daughter — and obviously let her know.
Could the fact that you were ‘off’ with her (were you even a bit rude?) be behind her decision to give the cash to the other two neighbours and not you?
You were critical of her all along and I bet she knew it. There is nothing to do now, but stop obsessing over this money. Joan is dead and you have your sick husband to take care of.
That should surely be the only thing now to fill your thoughts, allowing you to let Joan rest in peace.